As I close my eyes today, I imagine a heart pierced…pouring out with love, ink, and words down upon fresh white pages.
This is my truth.
I’ve sat here thousands of times writing millions of words. Each day exploring the caves of my heart and coming to a deeper understanding of who I am. It has been a far from perfect process. Some nights I sat wasted on the floor with tears in my eyes. Other days I would sit outside looking across a beautiful view in the forest content as I ever could be. There’s been no right way to do this. There’s only been the way.
I’ve gone through many things.
I’ve faced demons, dragons and giants that scared me to death.
Some crushed me. Others were hollow shadows dancing in the night.
In each of these stories is a lifetime of memories. Memories of the times I have fallen and gotten back up. But the defeats speak to me the greatest. The scars remain, some of them fading from my skin, yet still telling tales of their own.
There are things I will never forget.
I will never forget looking into the pitch black room and quitting on myself. It was the only time I ever really did. I will never forget the thousands of scrolls that run through my mind coming undone and showing me my entire life…and then burning the house down in fear.
I will never forget the people, the memories, the heartbreak and the love that I have felt.
All of these things have built me. They have made me into the person I am today. I am very proud of the man I have become. I have a very long way to go, but I have come so far. I’m far different now than I ever was and that is a miracle in of itself.
There’s great love here.
Love that replaced hate.
Truly…
There’s a love that has bored so deep into the depths of my heart that I have started to face everything with a sense of trust. Trust? I never had that before. I never trusted anything…not even myself. A higher power? Something more? How could there have been something like that all those years ago when I functioned off of hate, anger, jealousy and resentment.
But I see clearer now.
I see that there’s more than living a life clouded by the darkness. There’s a light and it is within me.
I feel now, more than ever, for those who are suffering. I understand their pain more as I have come to understand mine. As hard as it can be for me to constantly answer those calls for help, I know that it’s the difference between life and death for some.
So I answer them.
Always.
Because at one point, someone answered that call for me.
I’ve gone back and discovered more. I’ve sought out wisdom and understanding from the younger version of me. I’ve read his words, have seen where his pain came from, and hold him in a way that is full of compassion. I was wounded back then. Scars bleeding all over my body. I was a warrior, but I was seeking pain.
I am a warrior now.
But of something far deeper.
It has been hard to learn to love myself. Even harder through the mistakes. It’s a constant process and every single day as I sit down to write more and more I discover what that truly means.
Sometimes it takes everything you have to look yourself in the mirror and accept.
Your mind wants to change things. It wants to divide, conquer and compare.
But when I strip it all down, I see a good person. A good heart. A good soul. Someone who wants to heal himself and others. And that’s me. That’s who I am.
A lover.
Nothing else.
I have a lot to learn. It will happen until the day that I die. But I know that this path I am taking is good. It’s full of heart and compassion. It’s full of understanding my mistakes and healing old wounds. There’s no rush to get anywhere. There’s nothing to achieve other than answering my deepest callings.
The phone was ringing for such a long time and I refused to pick it up.
But now I have.
I have with a smile on my face…willing to walk the path.
This is my truth.
Onward we go dear heart.
Onward.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project