I am being tested.
I don’t think it’s going to slow down. I think it’s probably going to get a little bit trickier before it gets any easier. Everything is coming in at once. But that’s what happens when you make decisions – all of the pieces begin to shift into place that have been waiting in idle.
I’ve found myself saying, “This is what it is” over and over again throughout the past week.
No shoulds. No wishing for a different way.
This is happening and I’m really feeling it right now. It’s right in the pit of my stomach. I can feel the growing pains coming on. I can feel myself letting go as I sit in my practices. Buddhists say that in each human being there’s an thousand ocean of tears. After this week, I believe that.
I don’t know what it is but there has been a painful and freeing cleansing in all aspects of my life.
Parts of me has no idea what’s here to stay and what’s here to go.
I think I might not really get to make that decision in many ways.
All I can do is speak my truth. I have to continue showing up as true to myself as I can be and let the chips fall where they may. But this pressure at times is a lot. I feel it coming down on my shoulders and welling up behind my eyes. When I go into practice, it releases without inhibition.
As it all comes out, forgiveness, love, and compassion come in. Those seem to be coming in right after I make authentic contact with what’s there for me. I tune in, feel everything fully, let myself be and then bring who I am to all of those events and situations that are causing pain.
There seem to be many right now.
Truth is, that’s okay. There’s no other way for it to be.
I think I have spent a lot of time throughout the years trying to make things be a different way than they are. But that only led to a significant amount of disappointment. I was disconnected. I was running. When I slowed down and realized what’s actually here I was terrified at what I had created.
It took falling apart to actually want to fix everything. I thought I could outrun it. I thought I could avoid it.
But you can’t.
Life’s not a message you can just delete and pretend it wasn’t there.
It’s always there. It’s waiting for you to actually deal with what’s coming up. I have to say, it’s hard at first. Really hard. You come face to face with everything that you’ve avoided and your critic has a lot to say about it. It’s easy to give up. It’s easy to go back to the old way of running.
But that’s a losing battle.
And it’s all downhill from there.
You have to head upstream.
Against the current of your fears. Against the current of your critic.
You have to dive into faith and just know that if you really put your head down and be willing to search within yourself and face whatever comes your way that you’ll be okay.
That’s where I’m at again in my life.
The first big moment was when I started The Better Man Project. But this is the second. This is the second biggest decision I’ve ever made in my life and I’m about as scared (or even more) than I was when I made the first decision.
27. Young. Heart on fire. Full of love. Full of adventure. Scared shitless.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project