Everything has changed.

And yet, there are still things that remain the same. These memories, they come back to me throughout the night and there I sit, reliving every single moment in full color as if I was sitting in an old theater watching a show.

They unfold constantly. One moment they are there are the next they are gone as quick as the wind could take them. But when they are there, they wrap my mind in emotion and refuse to let me distract myself.

So I let them take me.

They take me to places of the past. Words. Thoughts. Feelings. Moments.

These are the memories in the night.

I never ask much anymore why they come to me. I used to. I used to wonder because I never gave them the viewing they always deserved. I would try to escape them…bury them…burn them…and yet time and time again they would come back to haunt a soul that was always running away.

But when I stopped running, nothing could chase me.

I had nothing to hide from. I had nothing to truly fear anymore. I was who I was and refused to be anything but that.

And over time, as those memories came back to me in the night, I would just let them be. I let them dance around in my mind and make me smile or allow the water to well in my eyes.

Either was acceptable.

There was no just feeling one way anymore. A numbness that ruled my life was gone – it was only “all or nothing now.” And nothing wasn’t really much of an option.

As beautiful as those memories are and as painful as some may be…I understand them now. They want a little bit of attention because there’s something deep inside that needs to be heard – felt – loved.

So I allow for it. A gentle hand upon a soul that had been badly beaten for years. A young man relearning how to do everything but in a much softer way. Someone who finally realized just how much strength there is in the fluidity of life and middle ground.

I was unlearning everything I had ever been taught.

I was getting lost.

Truly lost.

And finding home within myself.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project