It was only when I lost my way that I came across the path I was always meant to find.
But it took me spinning out.
It took me losing my sight as my vision disappeared from behind my eyes.
I had to feel truly lost. I had to look up to the sky for guidance. I had to come back to the things that guide me and ask “what’s next?” over and over again. For the longest time there was dead silence. So I continued to wander. I continued to search around the corners and find nothing.
I came out of the end of last year beaten, bruised, exhausted, and had nothing left in me. I didn’t have any gas left…I had spent it all doing the best I could with what I had. I burned out completely.
And there I sat night after night on my kitchen floor writing a story that continued to wear me down. I relived it over and over again. In a sense, I was tortured by the very thing that was cleansing me at the same time…
A catharsis that acted as a baptism by fire.
So I healed and I burned at the same time.
No one promised me that any of this would be easy. No one even suggested that would be the case. In fact, if I had any opinion of this journey over the past 5 years I would say that it is beyond worth it…but incredibly painful at times.
You get hammered into what you need to become. You are molded and restructured through lessons that are not the easiest things to swallow. Lessons that drive you mad at times. Lessons that you know you need to learn, powerful lessons, but at time wish that whatever is guiding this would make it a little bit easier to get?
Nope.
As I look back, about to commence into the biggest project I’ve ever undertaken, I understand that the greatest lessons I have ever learned have come through the most painful times of my life. It was only through understanding this that everything was brought into perspective.
The importance of love…through the most unloving relationships.
The importance of passion…through great spurts of not having any motivation.
The importance of never quitting…through quitting on myself.
I learned all of these things…things that have become foundational to my character…through the absence of them. That never ceases to amaze me.
And as hard as some of these times have been, I’ve never stopped learning. But most importantly, I’m still here. I have survived 100% of the bad days that have come my way.
In no way was today a bad day, but to articulate the point…well, I think you get it.
Yesterday was 3 months to the day that I walked into the biggest moment of my life…a moment that changed me forever and set the tone for the next chapter.
But after that moment and the events that followed it, I found myself in the woods. I didn’t know how I got there. I didn’t understand which way to go. I had no sense of what was next for me and which path to take.
There was no path.
There was only me, all alone out there, waiting for answers.
For months I wandered…continuing to learn lessons of patience. For months I asked myself the questions that truly mattered. And yet, no answers. It was only until my mind stopped running and I let my heart speak that I found exactly what I was looking for.
That moment came late last night.
That moment hit me like a sack of bricks.
I spent 15 years dreaming of something that at the start I never thought I would be able to accomplish…but eventually through it all I walked into that moment and seized it. I walked into a moment that I would never forget, and frankly, seems still a bit surreal to me.
But after that was gone…there was no “moment” to experience again.
It was just me. No goals. No dream I was chasing. Just me.
And you know what?
I realized, probably for the first time in my life, that I was completely happy with the man that I saw in the mirror. I also realized that it wasn’t the moment that made me…
But who I had become in order to step into that moment that mattered.
I wasn’t defined by the achievement. I was built into something I could be incredibly proud of through the years of trial and effort.
When that came upon me, I found the direction I knew I should head in. I knew exactly what the next step was. I knew that even though I had found the path…that the path would wind and turn in front of me…just as it always has.
Truth is, I’ve already started walking it.
These past three months healed me. Now, these new moments are each…
my redemption
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project
Love this! I too, know that as I wander and feel lost, I am in the right place. Sometimes I lose perspective of this, but usually come back to it, one way or another. I believe that we are all in the right place at the right time- we just don’t always see it!
Good post. Good find. It is usually in those quiet moments the truth becomes. Good stuff.
That’s really beautiful, I had goosebumps reading parts of it! I can also relate, although I wish I could say that I had ‘found myself’, but I haven’t yet – just getting closer. I went back to an island that I lived on when I was a child. Not only was the island itself as beautiful and as pleasantly stuck in the past as I remember it, but it was calm, simplistic and relaxing. I couldn’t use my phone anywhere except the cottage I was staying in, and I was so glad for the lack of distractions. It gave me time to think and to take in the nature all around me and to focus on what was important to me and what wasn’t. It made me realise that everything that worried me when I was at my current ‘home’ – a town just outside a city – was irrelevant. It gave me so much confidence, and was the pinnacle of my year. Since then I’ve had my ups and downs, but when I’m really despairing I think back to my visit and what I learnt about life and myself. It’s only the first stepping stone of a long series of leaps across the pond, but it gave me hope, and showed me that something else was out there, besides my small-town, bitchy life in the place where I currently live now. It gives me inspiration to try and save and travel more and hopefully find myself through exploration of the wider world. That was a lovely piece of writing, and I’m so glad I came across it.
While I’m here, I may as well as say that I’ve just started a food blog recently, just writing wee things about dining out in places in Glasgow. Things have been tough for me over the last few years but food is something that has always brought me comfort (not necessarily a good thing). Would love it if you were interested and wanted to have a look or give me a follow, it would mean a lot.
Beautiful and inspiring!
It’s great when you learn to detach from your achievements and appreciate who you’ve become to get there. Love that you’re enjoying being just you, that is a point few people are able to reach.
I read again and again that it is in giving up the struggle that the path appears. But for most of us, that takes a level of exhaustion that is dearly paid for. I’m glad the price you paid is reaping rewards. That sounds like pure joy:).
Yes a beautiful post. Truth and vulnerability at its finest. Best to you!
Beautiful. I can completely understand and identify with your experience. Good luck with everything you do, now and always. 🙂