There has been something keeping me away from here. Something from sitting down and writing as often as I usually do. The truth is, and if I’m going to be completely honest in this moment, I’ve been off and on for a while now.

I’ve felt like I’ve had a short circuit in me.

The electric passion that emanates throughout me daily has been intermixed with a lot of different things going on. There’s a lot of conflicting emotions. There’s a lot of having to sit with everything and work with it.

I’ve continued to move forward in my life, but there’s a heaviness to these moments right now.

A heaviness in my heart that hasn’t lifted for some time.

I’ve been in this place before…this place of recovery. I’ve been in this place and know that I process things at a very intimate and slow pace. I work through things which most people brush aside. And I feel. I really feel.

There’s truth in these moments…

And the truth is, I’m still feeling.

Honesty has been pouring out in internal conversations during my runs in the mornings through the park. Despite being poured on most of the time, I’m continue to run everything I have into the ground and making contact with what needs to come out. There have been times where I’ve run with tears in my eyes and the internal voice speaking truths that cannot be denied.

So I don’t deny them.

I just let them be there. I give them the space they are asking for and try not to force myself into any moment in the future that holds the false promise of happiness.

I’m just here with it. I’m here with my thoughts. I’m here with my emotions. I’m here with my memories and I let them run through my mind in vivid color.

The tape is put in when it wants to and I just let it play.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that I’m doing okay. There are moments of grieving. There are moments of happiness. There are moments of tension and “knowing” and there are the moments where I throw all of that up into the sky.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that I’m in a very strange place. A place full of slow murky color. A place where I never really could have anticipated being…but isn’t that how life goes? We never see it coming, we only get to see the result.

It’s hard to continue to have faith in this place. Some days it’s hard to keep my head looking up. As much as I have had good days, there’s also a piece of me inside that’s still limping. Wounded. Bleeding. That piece keeps calling me for my attention…something I would have brushed off in the past or tried to bury…but I now give it the care and nourishment it needs.

I have no qualms with looking myself in the mirror right now and calling it like it is.

I have no reservations about telling myself that I need to continue to breathe.

But there’s this trust thing here that’s keeping me moving. Trust in the fact that even though I don’t understand…it’s being taken care of for me.

I’m being taken care of. I’m being looked after.

Because as I look back on years and years of exploration, risk taking, and putting myself out there…I continue to come to the understanding that everything has worked out in brilliant ways. Everything in my life has come together, stories have split apart and come back in one way or another, and as long as I don’t lock myself up, shut everyone out, and leave the doors open…

Those doors always tend to get walked through…

And I get to witness how everything connects even after feeling so impossibly disconnected.

What happened over the Holiday season to me was one of the most challenging bouts I’ve ever been through. There were moments of absolute hell, I didn’t sleep well for weeks on end, I was constantly having to be on high alert and I was worn down by circumstance. I just feel like I’m starting to recover and know that I have to take even further steps to really take care of myself right now. As hard as that time was, there was a flicker of light that came out of that time. A light that hadn’t been seen by someone in a world that was very dark.

And I’m proud of that.

I’ve learned many things. I’ve learned that I can take on the biggest fight of all and perform with grace. But I do know that I need more time. I need time for all of this, everything that happened all at once, to come to rest inside of me because it’s been a bit edgy at times lately.

And yet all of the chaos brought me to one of the most exhilarating and fascinating opportunities of a lifetime. An opportunity that I’m going to seize and the next big piece for me.

Someone once said that painful endings are often disguised as new beginnings.

I think that’s true. I think that the endings here have opened up new worlds for me.

As I continue to walk through those doors, I always leave them open.

You would be surprised how often they get passed through.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project