Not the bad kind, the good kind.
Imagine a flower right before it decides to open. There’s that moment of pressure building. There’s a moment, that I can imagine when I really think about it, of this perfect dance between the thought of “it’s time” and “this is what I’m meant to do.”
I guess my mind is drifting off into the flowers again.
It’s not complacency. It’s not procrastination. It’s just that patient waiting for that moment where it feels right. Hard to explain that when most of the time we put off everything we are supposed to be doing for things that aren’t really that important. But that’s not this. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing…and there’s still that building feeling. That feeling of the right before I open, I have a few more breaths to take.
I think this piggybacks off of what I was writing about last night, but I really do believe there is a right time and place for everything. Sometimes when you are in situations, they really aren’t the right time nor the right place for them to continue on. Their unfolding in that moment – yes – that moment is always perfect. But holding onto it after that – no – no you have to learn how to let things go.
Things run their course faster than we would like them to. Sometimes it literally is just a moment. A smile on the street. A quick conversation. These moments are just moments and I think as time has gone on I’ve learned to appreciate them more and more. I’ve allowed for moments to be moments. And, as brilliant and touching as those moments have been, I’ve learned to open myself up for more and more to come my way.
I’ve learned, I think in this year more than anything, that the happiness of my life didn’t come through tacking on more and more and more, but in letting go of the things that were no longer meant for me. I think you could describe this as making room for the things that truly resonated with me deep down to my core and beginning to question everything that was just “supposed” to be there.
Really, do I need any of this?
So after eliminating a lot of the things that really didn’t serve me in any way, I was left with pretty little. Pretty little in the way of possessions and things…but more than I could imagine in terms of understanding who I was as a human being.
There’s a feeling around all of this – it’s like a gigantic reset button had been pushed. I didn’t change as a person, but I brought an entirely new version of the person I have always been into the light. It’s not like one of those things where you hear someone (who is sick of themselves) go…”When I get to X I am going to be THIS person and forget everything that ever happened or I ever did.”
That’s not what this is. This is more of a gentle acknowledgement that I’ve done a lot of work to get here (personal, career, etc) and I will continue to do that work and develop as a person…which frees me up to create something completely new in a very very new situation.
That’s where I am getting all of the feels.
So as this morning went on and yesterday’s haze cleared, I found myself discovering what it is that I do want to do during this time.
Not any of the “should” but really want.
And that feels right.
So here we go.