Finding My Way Back Home

Nothing to avoid.

No skipping steps. No moving in other directions. No circling around the main issues and doing all of the cleaner work. I have to step in. Right in. Cannonball into the mud. I have to head straight into what has scared me for so long and illuminate it with who I am.

Because if I don’t…those deeper layers that don’t serve me will continue to thrive under the surface.

They will continue to take root, tangle themselves in my depths and strangle the other seeds that are seeking refuge in the upper levels of light.

There’s no hiding from these things.

There’s no avoiding them really anymore.

At some point in time you just look yourself in the mirror and go, “Are you actually going to take care of this? Because it’s not going away and if you want the next 5 years to look like the last 5 years then all you have to do is keep turning your back.”

I don’t want that to happen.

I want the next 5 years to look drastically different than these.

Why?

Because I know I was meant for more. I know that I am capable of far far more than what I have sown. I can see that very clearly. I also understand that all of this is my responsibility. Everything that has grown in these gardens is due to my decisions in the past to plant those seeds.

Time to till and renew the soil.

Time to plant something drastically different.

For a long time, I felt like I was drifting farther and farther away from who I really was. All of these things happened in my life that made me restrict, tighten up, bend and at times break. I had to take all of those pieces and create something new with them again.

That took so much work and I felt absolutely exhausted after a while.

I kept on trying for more and more and more but my body and spirit just wanted a break. They needed time to just sink back and do nothing. They needed time to just connect with being here again and not always trying to get to this different place.

As much as I tried to build something new, I still felt that pieces of me were lost. I felt like I had traveled on these journeys to discover more about who I was but what I really needed was just dead silence for a good amount of time. When I finally stepped into that, a lot changed.

I started to hear those whispers again telling me which way I needed to go to come back home.

Home to me was never a person, place, or thing. Home to me was a feeling. A feeling that in that moment, wherever I was, I belonged.

What I discovered was that allowing myself to actually claim who I really was gave me the greatest sense of belonging.

It helped me understand that I didn’t need to continue building myself into this other person that represented something…but rather come back to my natural sense of who I was in the first place and that would yield me unbelievable amounts of happiness.

It seems as time goes on that the only thing that really gets in my way of being happy are the stories I listen to about how I should be doing things.

Sometimes those stories come from me.

Sometimes they come from others.

Most of the time they come from the narrative we all live in on the day to day.

All of those stories are powerful and in their own way cause me to drift once again from who I really am. But when I come back to that sense of stillness and just take a moment to listen, I’m reminded of who I really am and what I’m supposed to be doing on this planet.

There’s great beauty in coming back to who you really are.

Sometimes it takes years or even a lifetime. But that feeling you get when you arrive back home…well, it’s irreplaceable.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project