I spent a lot of time dreaming.
Thinking.
Pondering.
Wandering.
Wondering.
That came from my spirit. That came forth when a trapped soul was let loose. There were cages. Mental dungeons. Traps and ditches. I fell many time only to discover that the door keeping me under siege was unlocked the whole time. All I had to do was step through. All I had to do was decide.
When I walked through that door there was a freedom that I couldn’t explain.
It moved me but at the same time I didn’t know how to use it. It’s like I had this thing in my hands that I had spent so much time wishing for, and once I got it, I couldn’t find a way to work with it. Freedom, total freedom to do anything, go anywhere, and be anyone…paralyzed me.
I was looking for rules – there were none.
I was looking for help – no one could help me.
I looked around and the only thing that existed was big open spaces to create and build anything that I wanted.
So what do I want?
I had ideas…but the reality set in…
I really don’t know.
So I’ve wandered through the forest seeking that answer within. I climbed The Mountain and asked The Heavens for guidance. I thought that maybe if I just went back into the cage for a while and did the things I did there…that this would all figure itself out in time. But once you taste that freedom, you can never go back.
Your soul thirsts for it.
You have to step into it.
I tried to put things down on paper. I tried to map it out and say, “Okay let’s go this way now” But I realized that I took the bread out of the oven too early.
My seeking The Way wasn’t cooked yet. My understanding wasn’t done yet. There was much more to learn. There was much more to discover.
I rushed it in the past because I wasn’t comfortable with the silence. I wasn’t prepared for the “not knowing” and feelings that arose. They ate at me because I didn’t understand them for what they were. Instead of relaxing in the sound of silence that a flower makes when it slowly grows over time, I mistook it for the wrong way and then headed back into a place I didn’t want to go.
I understand this now.
I’ve corrected course.
In many ways, I was lead out of the forest and that saved me. Who I was years and years ago is far different than who I am today. I was completely blinded back then to many things and now I have arrived to this place that’s full of endless opportunity.
So that question stands…
What do you want to create?
What do you want to make in this world?
As I stare down at the handful of seeds I have in my hand, I start to understand just how important my intentions are in planting them. I start to see them unfold and grow in the future. My mind, the visual side of me that once haunted my life because of my past, now serves me more than anything.
I can see down the line.
I can contemplate what these actions will grow into.
And I can see the past few months…how this paralysis was a misunderstanding.
You have to be patient when you plant seeds. You have to be even more patient with yourself when you look at an empty field and imagine the garden you’re about to manifest.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project