I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.
I have a few that I’m not very proud of. However, every choice has helped me learn.
Many of those mistakes came from a place of fear. They came from a place where I let a gripping anxiety about what was happening in my life make the decision for me. Over time, I started to realize that there was another way to make choices.
It didn’t have to be a reaction.
It didn’t have to be out of fear, doubt, worry, or stress.
I didn’t have to function like an avalanche collapsing once something went wrong.
Instead, I could sit with whatever choice I needed to make and come at it out of a place of love.
That has changed a lot for me. But I still struggle. I struggle when old patterns and habits suddenly manifest themselves and I lose my sense of heart in the matter. I’ve panicked. I’ve been triggered. I’ve lost that center and every time I do, instead of endlessly beating myself up (like I used to) I just come back to who I really am and own my decisions.
Integrity.
It can be lost at times. But I’ll always come back to it. I’ll always learn. I’ll always do what I can to mend whatever I’ve damaged. I’ll always come back to that great sense of an open heart.
There’s no shortage of tough moments lately.
It seems that I’m continuously being challenged and a lot has been coming up for me this year as I’ve gone out on journey after journey really starting to discover a deeper sense of myself. That has been hard and revealing in many ways. I’ve started to see some old ways show up in areas that I did not know they existed.
An image that has continued to pop up in my head is this tree that has accidentally had poison poured around it. The poison makes its way down the roots and causes the tree to function in all sorts of unintended ways. I’ve been healing those wounded roots. I’ve been doing the work that I need to do with them but that doesn’t always mean that this tree doesn’t accidentally create fruit that isn’t healthy.
I’m aware of it.
I’m very aware of it.
Before, I would tear myself down because of the pressure I put on myself to be something perfect.
But now, I’ve ditched that idea of perfection. I understand that I’m going to make mistakes. I understand that there will be times I don’t handle situations the best and struggle to make the right choices. But ruining myself in the process and becoming the judge, jury, and executioner is only going to take me farther and farther away from myself.
That judge inside of me can be vicious.
It has had the power in the past to disconnect me from everyone and everything.
But now, in hearing its voice much more soundly, I’m coming to understand that life isn’t about perfection or putting on the perfect mask for the world to see, but coming to a deeper understanding of yourself and planting the seeds of love with every intention.
That has healed those roots.
Over the past few months, I’ve had to let go of a lot of things.
People. Habits. Stories. Situations.
The past has tapped its fingers on my shoulder a number of times and I’ve just kept walking. I kept moving forward. Sometimes, I truly believe, it’s better to just keep moving forward that turning around to face your past.
You can look back if you’d like, but most of the time it really doesn’t serve you unless you are specifically seeking something to learn and understand. I’ve caught myself living there at times. Then, I found myself trying to live in the future. I was anything but present and that’s where all those bad decisions came from.
Sacrificing the beauty of this moment for some future vision that was a mirage.
Sacrificing the beauty of this moment for memories of the past that tortured my heart.
But those are both gone.
So it’s about here and now. It’s about making sure that I am the best version of myself that I can possibly be. But I know I’m not perfect. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to hurt people. I’m going to hurt myself. But I will do everything I can to make it right.
Because I care.
I care a lot.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project