The winds of change are upon me.
It’s safe to say that this week has been one of the most interesting weeks of my life.
Almost 10 days ago, I had packed my bags and left for Rome to begin my journey again. I got down on my knees and hugged my grandmother goodbye and just started crying. I knew that this was my final goodbye to her. Although she had been doing much better in her fight with lung cancer, something in my heart told me that this was the moment.
So I fell into her arms, feeling her hand scratching the back of my neck, telling me that everything is going to be okay and that she wants me to chase after my dreams.
4 days into being in Rome, I got the call from my family that I should try to get home as quickly as possible because her health had rapidly deteriorated.
As I ran through the airport to my connecting flight in Amsterdam and made it just in time to my seat…the text message popped in.
“I’m so sorry but she didn’t make it.”
I just sat there. Tears welled up. The flight attendant came back and asked me if I wanted anything to drink.
Wine.
As I poured white wine into a plastic cup, I toasted to my beloved grandmother.
This one’s for you grandma.
4-5 more came after that.
When you lose someone, that moment is hard. Really hard. It’s not that I don’t believe she’s in a better place or happy that she’s out of pain – I am. It’s just that you wish you could hold them again and tell them you love them. But I hold no regrets. I loved her to death. She knew that. And, most of all, she was proud of me for going for what I wanted in life.
Then, there are those moments that hit you like a sack of bricks in the heart.
The small things you see or remember. I came across the little rose bush I had bought her right before I left and that hit me hard. Then there was the little note that I keep in my wallet written by her. And yet, in all of those moments, I return to a smile.
I smile because we had an amazing adventure with each other and our path together had finally come to an end. Time runs out for all of us and our time was up.
So now I honor her by carrying on her wishes.
And that’s what leads me to the title of this post.
Does this path have heart?
My grandmother didn’t want me to come back from Rome if anything should happen. But I knew in the depths of my heart in that moment I heard of her inevitable passing that I had to come home. I had to make the effort to try to see her again and if I didn’t make it in time, to be here with my family.
I asked myself that question…”Does this path have heart?”
It was overflowing with love.
So I went.
Here I am back in California asking myself that next question about many different things. As for traveling, there’s a decision to be made about what to do. Truth is, I know that there’s a much more balanced middle ground that lives between going completely on my own and staying in one place. I’m finding that.
But with other decisions that I’ve made, I’ve answered that question and gone ahead and followed my heart.
What did I find?
Lots of love.
Lots of heart.
How could I ever go wrong in doing that? I couldn’t. It felt right so I went with it.
And as this time continues forward? I will just keep asking myself that question…step by step…heading into the complete unknown of what’s going to happen next.
All I know is what I want to be surrounded with in this life – love, joy, compassion, health…the list goes on.
This path has heart.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project