The tides have changed.
The mountains have shifted.
If ever, I feel like he LEGO block of my life has fit right back into its home. Connection. The connection that I deeply craved all came right back to me as soon as I arrived back home.
And as I connected, the energy surged from within.
I need these relationships. I need that intimate human connection. In isolation, you learn a lot about yourself. You see a lot of things as they are, let a lot of things go, hold onto others and everything gets impossibly clear.
And what I saw during that time was that I am committed to infecting the world with my love more than anything else.
I guess all of those years of writing I never really understand what it all came down to for me. I had an idea, but I never really knew it was just this sense of pure unconditional love and what that could do for my life as well as the lives around me.
It’s a beautiful thing – to love so deeply.
At times I get rocked to my foundation because of the ever changing nature of the people in my life, the situations that happen, the events that surround me and the landscape I walk upon every single day.
But my foundation has always been there. Even when I hit rock bottom all those years ago, there were things in my soul that kept me pushing even when I felt like completely giving up. And, there’s really something to be said for that. There’s something to be said for the person who never quits no matter how bad it gets.
The light is not at the end of the tunnel. But rather, you are the light.
There is no there.
There is only here.
And when you are here, truly here, you connect in ways that you would never believe until you sat in those moments.
My heart has connected to more people and more things than I could ever express to you. But it’s never my heart that breaks. It hurts badly at times. But it never breaks. Heartbreak is just a word to express this sensation of this horrible pain inside of you. It’s the idea you had of what should happen…and that not happening…that is truly the thing that breaks.
Maybe you call that expectation? I don’t know what you would call it.
But what I know for a fact is that as I continue to open up more and more and drop my walls, I fear things less and less.
As I sit in meditation, I go back to the things that have hurt me badly and see if I feel complete with them. If something arises, I let it. I feel it. There have been very very rough sessions I can tell you that. But with taking care of myself and also pouring my heart out into the words that land on the page, I know that some good is being painted from those darker moments.
Truly, I am becoming The War Painter.
I’ve had to shift things about who I was being in order to step into this new role I feel like I am meant to play. That doesn’t mean that those things are gone from me completely, but rather I’ve made a choice of a different way of being.
I had to let go of some people.
I had to really take a look at what I was attracting into my life and start taking some responsibility for ignoring my intuition.
I had to step into some moments that were meant for me and continue moving forward with my life.
It’s an interesting time right now, but it’s a beautiful time.
I feel connected. I feel open. I feel ready to take on whatever is coming my way. Who could ever know what that actually is? But that’s the fun part.
Good and bad.
All of it.
Bring it my way.
I’m ready.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project