from the dirt

For a long time, it was hard to see clearly.

There was a dense fog that seemed to cover everything. And even for a bit, I was completely lost. Somewhere along the way I had to travel down a path for a very good reason…however that left me in a very troubling place that I didn’t really want to be. I never would have decided to travel down that path unless it was completely necessary…

But I had to nonetheless.

When the smoke cleared from that place, I found myself wandering around in the dark. A darkness left after I helped a young man in the most dire of circumstances. Blackness as thick as molasses. I had sacrificed pieces of my life in order to bring a light to all of it but it left me feeling ashy and torched in many ways.

I had lost my way…a sacrifice I would make time and time again…but I lost touch with some parts of me that didn’t seem to come back until recently.

This isn’t to say that there wasn’t any gain coming from that place – my perspective shifted on problems in life that truly mattered. My confidence in my ability to face this darkness bloomed and I was left a better person for it. But this blackness…it stayed with me until it finally drew itself out of me drip by drip.

I’m not sure what changed.

Maybe it was time? Maybe it was space? Maybe it was my willingness to stay with that feeling for as long as I had to until it decided to wander away from me?

I might never know. But what I do know is how things have changed in me since that time – one of the most trying times of my life riddled with moments I couldn’t possibly forget.

And yet here I am, finding my seat on the kitchen floor again with my laptop, ready to start something again with the same energy as when I started all of this in the first place.

The interesting thing about getting lost is that you often find out more about yourself than when you are on a path you’ve groomed for yourself. I asked many questions during that time…and discovered many answers. Sure they didn’t all come at once but eventually they did arrive.

It was belief that kept my glued together. A belief that no matter what was happening, that eventually light would shine through. The circumstances at play were not the end game. I had to keep telling myself that over and over again.

And then one day I just woke up and it seemed to all be gone.

I felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders…and with the events that happened throughout those months after this feeling of weightlessness grew upon me even more. I began to breathe again – something that I felt like I hadn’t done in a very long time.

This chapter of my life is a very interesting one. One that has had a very long lead up into this moment sitting here. For a while I have been struggling with staying on course with things because I have truly been exhausted. Exhausted at the idea of doing certain things and not finding the same passion in me to move forward as I once had. There has never been a shortage of enthusiasm in this heart…and yet for a while it seemed to turn itself down a few notches.

I was left to work with a slow burn and found the value in that leading my life.

But while reflecting upon what is coming my way and what I have set out to do in this world, I have opened up the lines of communication between whatever is and myself even more and sought more guidance without a deliberate need for answers. Just trust. Just a knowing that I’m being taken care of in one way or another and that all of this will one day make perfect sense.

I referred to the energy that started The Better Man Project 5+ years ago a bit earlier and what I mean by that is my commitment to writing. I spent such a great deal of time building other skills I forgot about what really makes me tick inside. I forgot about why writing was so important to me. When it really comes down to it, it’s a time for me every single day to sit down and reflect upon what’s happening in my life right now.

And there’s a lot.

A lot that strikes me every single day.

So if I sat here and really thought about what’s going on in my life right now, I would think about the adventures ahead – the great moments of exploration and discovery – the blooming of my creativity and what I am capable of – the opening of doorways to people of the past and the future and the willingness to accept everything that walks through that door with positive intentions – and the blossoming of a business that I built with my own two hands.

All of those things are amazing things and yet there are a few things on my mind now more than ever.

Those things, I will keep close to my heart for now…but they have made me sit back and wonder during the evenings the perfect display of timing. A timing that is reflected in “not what you want” but what you “need.” That’s a truth that is very very difficult to disagree with.

I’ve never been much of a believer in fate. I don’t believe that things are set out on a path for us and no matter what we do we are destined to see a specific thing through. But I do believe in putting in the work – in whatever stream of life you want to apply that to – and as a result of movement we put ourselves in the way of specific types of opportunities.

But without that movement our lives become a stagnant breeding ground for fear and other negative pestilences.

I have been moving. Moving from an interesting chapter of my life into an even more interesting one. I’ve hatched ideas and wonderful intentions that have finally been backed up in significant displays of action. Did I ever think that I would be where I am right now? No. Is all of this okay with me? Absolutely.

This part of my story – a story that I know will become the bedrock for my success in the future – is a beautifully complicated and absolutely perfect mess. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It has brought the best out in me…and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project