I’ve been writing stories for years now. Some of the stories have to do with my life. Some of the stories have to do with my life and the intertwining of other stories into my own.

But there are always stories.

This story, that I’ve been writing for some time, has been confusing to me even as I’m writing it. That may be hard to fathom, but the truth is I really have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I’m feeling a current pull me in one direction, I feel my heart pulling me in another, and my mind has bailed on me leaving it up to what’s supposed to be.

I keep saying bizarre.

It has showed up in my daily language more than it ever has…and truly…things are bizarre right now.

I can feel the internal pull to try to figure things out that I don’t know which stirs up something in my stomach and then there’s the request to continue relaxing into what’s here right now and let everything go.

It’s a conflict. A conflict I’ve been told that’s going to be one of the greater challenges I will ever face. I don’t really think I’m supposed to ever really figure this part out. I don’t think I’m supposed to have any clue what’s about to happen.

Because as much as I’ve tried, I’m still in the dark. I’m clueless. I’m unsure of many different things and there’s no understanding any of it until it shows up.

Faith comes into play. Faith that I’m doing the right thing. Faith that I’m on the right path.

As I went further and further into this year, the people who were watching over me continued to have me dive in deeper and deeper. They wanted me to see how deep I could go…how far into the depths I could adventure.

So I dove even farther…

Past the defenses. Past the barriers. Past the judgements and the fears.

And I landed in this moment of clarity. This moment I will forever remember. A moment, that when I think about it will forever dance around in my mind.

There was nothing else but me in that moment. No thoughts, no wandering emotions, just seeing things as they were down to the core.

And maybe that was it…wanting to get back to that place where it all began. Continuing on the playfulness of the child.

I’m at a loss for words tonight. There’s a lot here that’s not making its way out. Maybe it isn’t fully cooked yet, or maybe it’s more of the fact that I don’t really know how to describe what’s happening right now.

But this, I do know.

Transformation is coming…on a very grand scale.

And, there’s a sense, that everything I don’t know right now…will reveal itself very soon. It will all make itself know. Just a little while longer. Just a little longer until I get shown whatever it is that I’m supposed to see.

Funny that little word patience keeps flying around.

Maybe I should just listen.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project