I’ll Tell You All About It When I See You Again

I’ve been in a deep conversation with myself and very few close to me about the next few years of my life.

There are very large forces at play and the truth is, I might disappear for a while deep into the world.

If I’m being honest, I may never come back.

This year has been many things for me…full of magic and full of hurt, but when I started to hear that calling to go…I really started to listen to what it had to say.

The whispers are strong.

I have faith I will make the right decision.

I will never forget my coach telling me that I belonged to this world…and to never forget I was meant to be a lover.

There’s something about this time for me that’s extraordinary. There are a lot of things going on in my heart that have caused me to really sit down and think. Truth is, it seems like so much exited my life to bring me to this point.

I’m sitting here, 26 years old, getting ready to pull the trigger on a dream, pack my bags and answer my inner child’s love for adventure. But it goes a lot deeper than that. This is a reclamation of my heart, something that has belonged to a few throughout my life, but I never truly owned all of it on my own.

Something about this past weekend changed me. I have spent the entire week relearning how to do specific things and thinking deeply about the things that come in and out of my life. As I said earlier, I’ve never been more open and ready to accept whatever comes my way.

There will always be that “well you should do it this way” voice in my head that says…”Evan, you’re 26, you’re getting older and maybe you should consider doing this.” That’s my critic. It can go to hell.

Or I can listen to my heart in a variety of different ways.

My heart tells me it’s time to take back a lot that I have lost throughout the years and to rediscover a piece of me that was hidden as deep in the depths as far as you could travel. But it’s also telling me to swim upstream. Part of that may be me going away for a long period of time.

When I really think about it, it could be years.

But even in knowing that, I know that I will fall in love with the rest of the world and leave a lot of things behind.

I can see the moment I am in…and understand how big of a moment it is. It’s a life changing moment. Everything shifts if I choose one way or the other. I haven’t completely made up my mind yet. There are still some things that need to sort themselves out, but I am definitely moving in a specific direction.

The song I posted means a lot to me.

One of my coaches, who took great care of me when I was going through a particularly rough time, sent me this song. I knew that pieces of me were changing in ways that I was never going to be able to understand. I knew that my life was going to be incredibly different from that point on out.

But the song also touches my heart because of what I just went through this weekend.

I felt like I met a piece of me that has been buried deep deep within for some time. It was a happy moment…and when I came out of it, there was a touch of sadness as well. I looked back on my life and realized that there had been so much time I had spent without what was meant to come out in me.

In the afternoons, despite the pouring rain lately, I’ve been taking walks and had a moment today where I did realize just how far I’ve come. I look back on the past 5 years of my life, but especially this year and it absolutely blows my mind what has happened with me.

Even in the past months, in being handed a responsibility that saved someones life but left me bloodied, beaten, and limping…I have changed in ways that are hard to put to words.

I’ve seen things that are hard to describe. I’ve heard things that opened my eyes in many different ways. And yet, I held myself together through it all, without sleep for weeks on end and despite wanting to crumble at times. There was no option. Stay strong or lose someone. It took everything out of me.

I always find it incredible how beautiful things can come from such tragic places.

Sometimes, I really do believe, roses can grow in the dark.

It’s hard for me, like I’ve said before, to really put into words what’s in my heart right now. But my heart has been calling for me to go on an adventure. An adventure that would help me reclaim pieces that I have lost touch with. I have been strong for others for such a long time…and over this year…I realize that it’s time for me to truly nourish my own roots.

If I end up disappearing for a while…just know I’m happy.

That I’ve continued to fall in love with life.

And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.

-Evan Sanders

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