It was looking for me the entire time I was looking for it.

All that I was seeking…was also seeking me.

When I opened myself to “not knowing” I expanded my world a million times over.

Because it was in the creation of plans far into an unknowable future that constricted all that was my life.

There’s no color there.

There’s no mystery there.

There’s only what you have tried to see and no room left for ambiguity.

A shallow life.

An untrusting life.

That life brought me to this place, but made a request of me a while ago to let everything go and run on faith.

Faith that I would be taken care of.

Faith that my wounds would be healed in time.

Faith that I was being looked over with a kind eye and that I would make the right decisions if I stayed true to what was in my heart.

For a long time I thought that I had to do this all by myself. I thought that I had to travel this path as the lone wolf and forge my way ahead.

What an exhausting life.

What a lonely life that was.

It was only until I let it all go…let go of that story of bounding alone into the wilderness that everything turned to color.

At times this path can be lonely, but that comes with the territory. What I have found however is that no matter how many patches of silence there are, there have been incredible treasures found along the way.

Some of those treasures are people. Some of those treasures are realizations about myself. Some gifts. Some straight magic.

But these treasures are to be found by me and to be cherished.

They are not treasures of monetary value…but treasures of life. Treasures that give life to me in a way that I could never pay for. The sense of family, knowing there are certain people who have my back no matter what and I would never doubt their loyalty to me.

They add so much to my life…

I couldn’t even begin to describe the reality of it all.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have struggled with all of this responsibility and pressure…

And in a way lost sight of what all of this was about.

It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s not supposed to be hard. It just is what it is. The path I’m on is the perfect path for me and I have chosen to travel it.

I know that at any point I could decide to turn back and destroy all of this…but I couldn’t if you know what I mean.

Because that would destroy me. This path, and who I am, are one. We met 5 years ago and we will never split.

Because what I was seeking…was also seeking me.

We found each other.

And that has made all the difference.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project