It’s Going To Be Hard To Put Into Words

I hardly know where to start in describing everything that has changed throughout this week. It’s going to be hard to put all of this into words. I would usually have written this type of post on Sunday, but seeing that it was a holiday today, I decided to take the day off and extend my weekend. But here I am, sitting in my little red chair outside during a crystal clear night, letting all of this sink in deeply.

“Sundays” have always been a day where I take some time to myself to walk and think about everything that had happened during the week. If anyone ever doubted the amount of introspection involved in my life, they might just need to spend a few hours with me towards the evening on a Sunday. I throw on my shoes, a pair of jeans, a shirt and walk out into the woods letting everything soak into me life a sponge. I let them stir, mull, turn and twist as much as they would like to, because when that alarm goes off the next day, I’m done with that previous week.

It took me a long time to find the balancing point of thinking too much about things vs. passing it all off as “nothing is personal.” In fact, it probably took me 5 years. But I found that spending a week with whatever has happened in my life has given me enough time to process exactly what it means to me and then allows me to let it all go so I can really come back to being in the present moment.

This week however, just went above and beyond in making me consider ways and things that I’ve pondered about before, but never really put into play. But most of all, it rooted me back into an answer to a question that I had a long long time ago in how I was supposed to run my life…and reminded me that leading with your heart and allowing your mind to support what your heart already knows is one of the most worthwhile ways you can live your life.

This week, I did that.

But what’s really hard to put into words is exactly the shifts that took place in me throughout the past 7 days. Sometimes, I feel strange sitting down here and writing about these things because I can’t really provide much context to what is actually going on inside – but can just tell you that things are moving in ways that are pushing me in different directions. There are these currents that run through me – they change with the seasons, the time of day, and with the event – and they are incredibly powerful in what they do. Powerful to the point where I don’t understand what they do…but get more of an impression of why they are doing it.

My own life is a mystery to me. It’s a mystery to the point where I sometimes wonder what others think when they read this story. It’s every shifting…ever changing…ever morphing. There are mountains and there are oceans ever present. When the time calls for it, that wave crashes through me and then I fall densely into the ground as if I was an immovable object stationary for all time. Energies roll through me and come upon me with no sense of anticipation – running through my spine and shooting through my neck sending it into chills and a quick spasm. When I walk at night, I feel more as I listen to those crickets sing and do their dance in unison. I’m coming alive. I’m becoming more and more alive.

As I sit here to write, I often wonder whose eyes on the other end read these words and what emotions run through their veins as something resonates with them.

I wonder about this mystery, the mystery of it all and look up into the sky more and more throwing questions up to the heavens knowing that in time the answer will come back down. I’m letting go.

I’m letting go of the way things should be and making more and more room for what is. I’m seeing. I’m feeling. I’m connecting. The more and more I connect, the more I can show up into situations where I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen…but I know who I am and what is inside of me…what I can offer…who I am…what I am…why I am that way.

For one of the first times ever, I feel like I’m safe…safe while I’m risking it all. That may not make sense, and frankly it didn’t make sense to me for such a long time, but where I’m at now is that I know I’m going to be taken care of in whatever it is that I decide to do with myself…because I know why I’m here. I trust myself and trust in the “more” that is ever there. You see, those answers I was given…they haven’t changed at all. They’ve been waiting for me. They’ve been patiently waiting as I became more and more ready to receive them fully. They never rushed me. They never begged me for more. They just sat there smiling…telling me that everything was alright and that they would be there when the time was right.

It took me a long time to finally hang up the phone and get a move on…but I did.

It’s time for me to do some things that I know in full faith will change my world. It’s time to ride this wave that’s there for me. This week…has been one of the most interesting weeks of my life…but it has also changed my life in many many ways.

I’ve seen around another bend.

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project