The Death Of Me
Posted on May 21, 2015
Yesterday, in the midst of the joy in launching my new website there were some extraordinary feelings that came along with it.
Honestly, I felt like something died in me. A piece of me felt like it collapsed within itself and ran it due course. This, I knew would always happen. In time, what was once a star for me would collapse into itself and create more stars elsewhere. That’s just the nature of dreams isn’t it? Dreams, like everything else, have their path and when they finish, they explode creating other things.
The Better Man Project, was the launching of something that would be a catalyst for my life for 4 years. I couldn’t even imagine the man in front of me who didn’t make that decision. For the rest of my life, I will know within the depths of my heart that the best decision I ever made was to pick up the pen and start expressing the thoughts and emotions that existed inside. There’s been nothing more transformational and I’ve been crafted and changed time and time again because of this process.
But that feeling of something in me dying…I can’t get over it. It’s like ashes blew away in the wind. Maybe it’s the fact that the birth of this brand new thing, something I have built to reach and encourage audiences that are already there looking for specific content and has absolutely massive potential, could only come along with an equal death in something else. The death of one thing led to the birth of something else.
There’s that element – the element of something racing to the forefront ahead of something that had existed for such a long time that drove the greater part of the last 5 years of my life. Does it mean that I will stop writing? No of course not. But it does mean that things are changing, drastically, and that I am embracing that change. The Better Man Project has prepared me for what is to come – a wave that I am not even sure I understand the true magnitude of. This wave is full of eyes, millions and millions of eyes. It’s prepared me to continue writing as if I was just speaking to myself. It’s prepared me to continue focusing on writing as if my only audience member was my best friend reading my work right next door to me. A thousand blogs have helped me get more in touch with myself, understand what really matters to me, and ground me deep into the earth refusing to be uprooted by anything that comes at me.
All of that, created something…and now I can really see it all clearly. None of this was supposed to do anything but create this…and I’m glad I took that leap (this taught me about risk too haha).
Things are changing. I thought they were changing before, but nothing is in comparison to what is coming. I’m not going to tell you what’s going to happen, the numbers that show up in front of me when I do backend statistical work, the predications…no, I’m going to show you what dreams look like. I’m going to show you that in real time. I’m going to invite you in, and see firsthand what happens when you decide to go for it all – leave nothing on the table, burn out all the gas in the tanks, and stretch yourself beyond your boundaries. Right now, boundaries are being ravished.
As this year has gone by, probably the most transformation year of my life in terms of integration, I can see the moment where I made decisions – while difficult – that guided my path in the right direction. I remember those decisions because they truly tested me…and I ran on faith that I knew I was doing the right thing. In the past, those decisions would be littered with bad mistakes because they were done for the wrong reasons. But now, I just know that the way is that way. That concept is hard to explain, but it’s come after years of working with understanding myself and what’s inside. Know yourself, and you can know your way.
This feeling of death in me is gone today, but yesterday it was very noticeable. It’s interesting I even picked up on that at all…the feeling of something dying. Whatever I’ve learned and experienced – it’s still with me. But there’s great room for the nurturing of something new, and like this, I am throwing my heart and soul into it.
My journey began May 20th. A journey that will be the most magnificent journey I’ve ever been on. There’s no telling what’s going to happen when all of it does. Is that a bit scary? You bet. But as scary as uncertainty can be sometimes, I look at my board of dreams and whisper “It’s all possible.” Because it really is. I’m not doing it in any way that anyone else has done it before, and I like that. I’ve pulled from my heroes, their lessons and teachings on success, their mistakes and failures…but this is my own path. This is the path I was destined to travel down. That’s a pretty strong word, but in looking back on these handful of years behind me…maybe it’s not such a strong word after all. Decision after decision has led me here – time and time again there have been things that came to be that were beyond coincidence – and I’ve showed up here. I think about that quite often…and I know in heart, everything to come…well…I’m ready.
The Better Man Project