Midnight last night…driving home from the city…watching the city lights go by, not many people on the road, Drake coming through the speakers…the familiar feeling of road underneath me and sitting back with this feeling inside.
I’ve had some pretty interesting conversations with people around me lately about what’s going on in my life – either through the observing of my writing, in person conversations or phone calls. Sometimes all three actually. One of my favorites came yesterday from a fantastic woman in my class who has been reading my work and we have been checking in on each other. She goes…”just the intensity of the things happening with you – the speed in which it’s happening…that’s really what I hear.” It’s true…and I have absolutely no control over what is going on right now. I spent so much time running from my past and rowing into the future…and once I got thrown into the present, it’s like everything – all of those crashing waves have settled – and I have opened myself up to pathways that I could never tap into before. These pathways are physical, spiritual, and emotional. It’s no surprise to me that my body finally shaped itself…my emotions – those have rooted themselves in something different…there’s depth yes, there’s always been…but from what I’ve heard from the people around me…they’ve said I’ve started talking less and they can feel me more. It’s true. I’ve become a little bit quieter – not because I don’t have things to say – but because sometimes I would rather say something in silence in a much deeper and more profound way. A look, a smile, an energy. I didn’t have that before – in fact I would talk when I was nervous. Little secret about me…when I start getting quiet, I’m not checking out…I’m checking in. I’m here. I’m as present as I am ever going to be when I am relaxed and quiet and breathing. My spiritual world? I can’t even begin to explain. And honestly, I won’t. Because that relationship, one that I had neglected for a long time…well, some things are just beyond coincidence. I’ve been throwing it up to the Big Guy lately, and time and time again He’s dropped sent some things my way…sometimes within the hour.
Guess I’m connected right now. Guess I’m starting down the path of integrating.
I do want to say that I launched that dream today – and in a couple of weeks you will get to see exactly what it is. This has been part of the plan. I’m going down the road – there’s no turning back now. The train left the station and we are on our way. The odyssey has begun.
I’m writing a new story for myself. That feeling last night driving home, it was the feeling of like something in me was dying. Something old. But there was something that was going on at the exact same time. While that feeling of the death of something was prevalent, just as prevalent was the feeling of the birth of something new. A new way of doing things. I am 25 years old and I feel the grandest shift in my reality…and something is about to explode. Funny enough, I got a call from my best friend after I talked to the woman in my class…and he started talking about the major moments in my life and how I have evolved over time. He dropped some major perspective on me about where I am at now that I really wasn’t expecting. “You are, by far, the greatest you have ever been…and you’re only getting started.” There are two people that know me that well, and both of those guys are my right and left hand. So to hear that from someone who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, well…I listen to these people. I listen because they have my best interests in mind and feed some interesting ways of looking at things into my brain. I never take the things they say lightly.
What is this story going to say?
For about 4+ years now, I have written the story of discovery and apprenticeship. I’ve opened the books (which I will continue to do) I’ve written countless pages and put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable – but they ended up being the most valuable experience I’ve had. I put my heart out there, as shaky as it was sometimes, and learned the lessons – fully – that love is madness…and if there’s not a little madness in your love life…you’re not loving. I’ve learned how to sit in the mess of it all…how to root myself and make any place I arrive at my home…because inside I am already at home. I’ve learned how to pour it out writing…and how to speak to peoples emotions. I’ve changed, morphed, adapted, adjusted, had boundaries broken, created boundaries out of love and strength…and moved forward with my life no matter what was going on. But there’s a new story to be written. There’s a fresh white page in front of me.
I’ve been thinking about this for a little while…and I realized the moment when I hit it last night. I realized that the next 10 years of my life are going to be spent really finding my magic…and using all of the paints available to me…to paint my first masterpiece.
Pretty big moment…and as I was driving on a pretty dark freeway, I started to leave some things behind me. I left some fears behind, I left some moments behind, and I left some situations behind. I’ve done the work with those things and it’s time to let them float away in the wind as I open up the window and let them out.
I am feeling everything.
I was challenged to be vulnerable, and I allowed myself to crack open and feel everything. Good…bad…happiness…sadness…and everything else in between. There’s inherent wisdom in all of these emotions…don’t try to escape them – they can be your greatest teachers.
So as I sit here, like many times of old, there’s something new about this day. There’s something new about this moment. There’s something very the same…but very different about me. I’ve felt it, the people around me have felt it, my family has felt it, and the world has opened it’s doors for me to show up as exactly who I am. No show. No fear of it’s judgement. Just me. Me as I am. Because right now…I am.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project