There’s something about tonight.

Well, lately there’s something about these nights that has called me over and over again to write. It’s cold tonight – reminding me of winter, that chilling type of cold that runs over the back of your neck. I always loved winter…something in my turns being around those flat white sheets of snow. There’s something about how close the moon is as well. I’ve always been a man of the moon…often inspired by it’s shifts and changes. I wonder how this upcoming winter is going to be with all of this change going on inside of me.

I’m reflecting tonight – deeply. But this type of thinking isn’t something I try hard to do…it’s actually quite relaxed. I guess deep is the only word for how I feel about the situation. It’s connection though. I’m connected…not avidly diving into any one place. Just connected with what’s going on inside. I’ll spill.

Going through boxes and boxes of baby photos this morning, seeing how everything really began and those captured moments did something for me. The way my brain has always worked is that I capture moments of my history as they are happening in my mind – those unforgettable moments that will never leave me – and replay them as time goes on. This has been something that, at times, I’ve had to be pretty careful with because it can actually prevent me from being present completely. The things that happened many days ago can turn into something just as real…as if it happened today. A great deal of the time when I need to I use this though…because I’m searching to re-discover a undeniable understanding that runs through my veins. I’ll get to that in a second.

The stillness of tonight has my mind reflecting on old times, situations, passions, and even more…a peculiar experience of looking at myself develop. It’s a pretty interesting feeling being able to go back and read old things that you’ve written and be able to mentally place yourself back into that time. Doesn’t really matter when it was – could be years, months, or days ago…but I can go there. I have actually…for the sake of understanding a little bit more about myself…and I never stop learning.

Recently, these shifts going on inside of me have brought something out that I really never anticipated. Like a flower blooming out of concrete, I’ve cracked a exterior shell that seemed to be holding me back and started change in ways that have been noticeable to even my family. I can’t tell you how many times over the past few months I’ve heard either my mom, dad, sister, or close friends say…”It’s not really the situation that I’m interested in…it’s what you just said.” Im not a drastically different person than who I once was…but I am different. What has blown my mind a little bit is…in 4 years look how much I developed…can you even imagine what another 4 years will look like? What will I be like? What will be happening? All of those questions come into my mind at once, and then I just let them all go and come back to writing these words down.

I’m about to finish all the prep work for the greatest journey of my life and I’ve come to re-discover than undeniable understanding…the one I was talking about above…in a time of unfathomable amounts of uncertainty. I say unfathomable because I cannot even begin to tell you, besides the numbers that I see in my excel spreadsheets…what this type of wave is going to even be like. The reality for me right now, if I do this right, can be completely different from the reality I see in one month. The crazy thing is, it’s take 4 years to get to this place…and now everything…in terms of my physical surroundings and everything else attached to what can change…will change.

That’s a very scary and exciting place to live in.

But the answer is this…if I can continue to passionately, fiercely, deeply, and honestly love those around me, connected to me either through the digital space or in person…it will all turn out ok. I have my vices…I have my things to work on, but there’s no real doubt in my mind that being guided by a loving heart will be worth it. There are times when it’s really hard – I mean really hard. There are times when I am down and out and seem to be kicked…but I must go on. There are times when I have been ignored…but I go on. There are times when I’ve been massively misunderstood and criticized…but I go on. I go on because I feel connected, and that what I am doing is exactly what I should be doing. At this point in my life, I think it would be a shame to live any other way. I’ve come upon something that didn’t show up by accident, I’ve run with it, created it, nurtured it, and now it’s time to watch what the world thinks. Either way, I’ll have brought something that didn’t exist into existence…a dream…and those are the things I keep hearing that can change the world.

There are a lot of people in my heart right now – old and new – that I think about every single day that I love to death. Yeah…you see, it really is like the quote says…”stay open, who knows? lightning could strike.”

Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project