Posted on January 19, 2013
If you ever wondered what it’s like sometimes. Here it is. All on the line.
I’ve been happy. And at the same time, I was in an enormous amount of pain. Every time I had to read the book, at the end I felt like I just got out of a fight with Mike Tyson. Problem was, I went into this fight not knowing what to expect. Essentially I was blindfolded. To me, to have turned all of that darkness into light was an almost impossible task. But i did it. However, I am still going through withdrawals of all of this being torn out from the inside and brought into the light. There was a lot of stuff in the basement that I didn’t think was still there. Like Socrates said…my eyes are adjusting to the brightest of lights. I am blinded by a dream coming true, and I know that when my eyes adjust I am going to see something so clear and beautiful. Real and true. And then I am going to dive right back down and hold the lantern for others who are afraid of making their own footsteps. Those who only see the darkness. the looming black. A consuming darkness – that if left unattended, starts splitting the seams of your heart one by one.
If you ever wondered what the dark part feels like that accompanies the light – there it is on the paper. In the end though, this is the part of the game that turns the iron in the heart into something unbreakable. You become unbreakable. But in order to have that strong heart, you must truly face the hardest test – your deepest and darkest fears. They don’t come one by one, they come knocking all at once. That will either break you or make you.
In every speech from a motivational or inspirational speaker, you will hear a segment about overcoming obstacles. In fact, you will hear an almost romanticized version of people overcoming massive failures. What you do not hear though is the full truth. The heart wrenching emotions and feelings that come along with the obstacles. Those times where you sit in the bottom of your shower, all the lights off, your forehead resting on your arms crossed over your knees, feeling the water run over you. There is a strange sensation that comes over you in those moments. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you sit there in perfect silence just listening to the water patter on the curtain. Learning to breathe again. You wont hear about these moments. They probably think that you wont try to go after what you want if you hear this.
But this is a disservice because you end up going into a battle not knowing the price of your dreams. There will be loss, there will be casualties, there will be severe pain. There will be all of these things, but you are only given as much as you can handle. Only as much as you can take…right up until you get to breaking point. You will crack, but never be fully lost. In the end, when you go after your dreams, you have to come back to the people and let them see and learn for themselves. To let them know that there is something beyond the cloak of darkness – and if they wish, to pick up a lantern of their own.
(End of Part 1)
So the story does not end there. I get off the train, on my way to my best friends house, feeling pretty down…but looking forward to seeing him…and at the bus stop…there was this man.
This man had crutches with arm supports, and looked like he could have used some help with his luggage. I offered to carry his things for him, we got on the bus, I commented on his awesome Trilby hat, and we got to talking about life. We chatted for a while about where we were from…small talk etc. After a long pause, he reached down to his leg. Click, click, click…and he took if off.
I just sat there…staring at my own legs.
He looked at me after a couple minutes and said, “You know, this is a new thing for me. But people seem to be pretty helpful.”
I smile at him, and I just felt…empty. Empty of everything that I had written above on the train…of doubts, worries, and fears. Here I was, siting feeling awful about all these things coming up for me, and when that man took off his prosthetic leg…it just cleaned the slate for me.
I eventually helped him with his bags, we shook hands and said our farewells. I got back into my seat on the bus with a smile on my face and mumbled the following words to myself.
“If you care about the small things…then here’s the smallest of things.”
I believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason. That man was there for a reason. But if I hadn’t been open to that experience, I would have missed it completely. If my heart hadn’t been open for help during a time of struggle, I would still be, in fact, in the dark. I am not discounting the emotions and feelings I was having before, but I did realize that it is completely up to me to flip the cards that I have been dealt and move forward. You have a choice to make each and every day. I made mine.
Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
The Better Man Project
Reblogged this on BornToBeNumberOne.
Reblogged this on mrwiggletoe.
Gosh, you’re going through/have gone through so many parallels to my life.
Thank you so much for this post…that Rainer Maria Rilke quote REALLY resonates with where I am right now. I really needed to hear those words.
The quote in the image is something I’ll be trying to remember throughout this year. Living in the questions, not trying to find answers when I can’t understand them properly yet. Simply allowing ourselves time to discover and to be patient with ourselves.
Thanks for following my blog. I’m excited to continue reading your posts as well. =]
This was a great post. Becoming unbreakable is hard, but not impossible. Sometimes we just need to break at the right moment in time to avoid getting cut. That is often the only way to get through the roughest of times. Mirror is an awesome video. The paint use din the video is so symbolic. Sometimes looking in the mirror can hurt and make us bleed, but we will always come out stronger by understanding our weakness.
There are disabilities that people suffer with that aren’t visible, every moment of every day, as well. (Me: post-surgical nerve damage, pain 24/7). Definitely gives ME a new perspective. 🙂
Love the Lil Wayne Video… when you can look at your reflection and do so without any anger or judgement then you know you have grown. I saw a sign the other day as I was driving, it said “what is exposed to light becomes light” and if you think about it there is no darkness without light, so in the end no matter the reasons why we hide and seek the darkness, we are all just part of the light. I feel like it took me forever to get to this point. I wish you all good things on your Journey. You have amazing insight and a gift with words. Peace.
Evan, that was a great post. And I am trying to do just that. But as you try to move forward you start to see and hear how people around you are more committed to staying stuck, where you were one minute ago. It’s odd. I feel like I’ve wasted alot of time so I am getting on with it, but it’s also sort of like, where to? I never thought that out…really…in the hole…
‘Those times where you sit in the bottom of your shower, all the lights off, your forehead resting on your arms crossed over your knees, feeling the water run over you.’ Been there, done that!!
How beautiful is that! Well said Mr Evan, well said!!
Am trying to understand the QUESTIONS that always come into my mind…why the feelings existing and why I meet someone but it’s too difficult to reach out…
…and in the end..I gave up on myself…
maybe things just have to wait…for the right time….and gradually I’ll get the answers…
Paradigm shifts; you just gotta love when they happen! Everything changes in an instant.
“But this is a disservice because you end up going into a battle not knowing the price of your dreams. There will be loss, there will be casualties, there will be severe pain. There will be all of these things, but you are only given as much as you can handle. Only as much as you can take…right up until you get to breaking point.”
This reminds me of something my running coach told me when I just started running. I couldn’t run 3 kilometers and he said that it’s because my body wasn’t used to that kind of stress yet. But if I keep going, I will start getting used to it, and it’ll be easier and I can start running a longer distance. I guess it’s the same when we go through difficult times. We’re pushed to our limits until we’re strong enough to go beyond them, and we’re able to take on bigger challenges and become better people.
I enjoy reading your posts. They always make me feel stronger for having read them. Thanks.
Your honesty is fantastic!