I walked out of my apartment last night at 2:30 am with my apartment and I was confronted with some of the thickest fog I have ever seen. As I long-boarded around campus, every turn was filled with even more fog. But last night was an interesting night for a few reasons. I was completely overcome with insomnia and this feeling of nervousness in the stomach. I just let it sit with me even though it kept me up incredibly late, and eventually went for a ride. I stopped and took this picture after going around campus a few times because I though it most accurately depicted what I was feeling at the moment. A green light…and barely any visibility.
But isn’t that what life is about. Sure maybe some who had come across that night coming back from the bars saw that light in a different color, but to my luck I was only confronted with green lights everywhere I went. I think this is what I was nervous about last night. I have been unbelievably productive, working out harder than I ever have, and thinking creatively. But something was eating at me last night…and I finally figured it out. I am chartering waters I have never been in before…and it is freaking me out a little bit. It’s not freaking me out because I am scared, its freaking me out because I am finding my limits. This doesn’t sound scary, but it sure as hell feels scary. The act of knowing where your edges are and then finding the stomach to push yourself past them.
Today is a special day. It is my 100th post. Since beginning this blog in last February, there has been an unbelievable amount of events, writing, transformation, and self discovery. Looking back, I can’t believe how much I have learned over these months. I have seen the bottom of the barrel…and now, I see life for what it is. It is not a series of uncontrollable events, although there are some things that will just happen. It is about your mind. Your mind can achieve and do anything. It can look at a situation and see what actually happened versus your interpretations. It can change the way it perceives things, which yields different actions, and then different results. It can see thoughts and feelings for exactly what they are…nothing more and nothing less than things that pop up into your head throughout the day. I look over the past 100 posts and am sent back to those days where I wrote what was in my heart at that time. Now, I am able to write free of my emotions, which is completely new but much healthier. If you ever wondered why some of the most famous writers were depressed and alcoholics, it is because their reality exists through their language. With language, everything comes to life. In my writing now, I can create anything I wish to. I am not controlled by what rages within.
I am still learning. Every day I learn something new and put it onto paper. I write because I have set out on a mission in life, but often in the times where I get excited about something, I write about passion and inspiration and fire…and seek to have those reading these posts simply…feel. What is amazing is that those who talk to me about my writing tell me that they can hear my speaking as if I were right next to them. I love that. It represents everything that this is about.
I will continue to write. Hundreds and hundreds of posts more. Why is this post special? It is special not because of the number, but because of what it represents for me as an occasion. I am able to look back on everything and feel peace inside. It is amazing for me to be able to wake up every single day and to feel that way inside. Maybe that is why I was out long-boarding last night. Peace in the soul.
If there is anything that I have learned through all this writing, is that anything is possible. You can lose great things in your life…but no matter how bad it hurts, the amazing part of life is that your heart grows back stronger after its had the shit kicked out of it. That goes for anything that happens in life. Because who you are after your darkest day has nothing to do with your ego, it has everything to do with the pride you have in yourself. Your pride will carry you towards anything you wish.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project