My music and I have a very interesting relationship. I could name four or five songs for every mood I am in. My own private world is when I put the earbuds in, and for an amount of time I can disappear.
I can close my eyes, forget about everything and breathe. Its almost like when I put my music in and walk around outside my eyes are closed. My ipod is packed with Eminem. And right now, thats about it. I didn’t think I would be listening to that same Recovery CD I was a year ago. Today is about how beautiful you are.
This song is intense.
There is so much feeling, passion, pain, you name it. Its all there. I know its not off of Recovery, but it has the same final product. I listen to that song for a lot of different reasons, a lot of them I don’t want to explain right now, but what I do want to say one thing. The ending lines put it together.
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put ‘em on and wear ‘emBe yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you ain’t beautiful.
There are so many things that happen that make you feel like you aren’t beautiful. But we all are no matter what has happened. You can never tell yourself that you can’t change. When you tell yourself that, or refuse to for other people, you are telling yourself that you aren’t good enough…and that other people aren’t good enough for you. I want to disappear for a month.
Go spend some time in the mountains somewhere. Not talk to anyone…just me. Right now, that feels like the best thing for me to do. This is not a grab for attention, but truthfully a feeling I have mulling in my chest right now. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Nights are the hardest…too much time to think.
I am trying to made out of true grit. Sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the ones that you have to subject yourself to. What I mean by this is taking the high road. Like I wrote the other day, being a man of integrity sometimes hurts. I have promised myself to take the high ground and do what I know is right in my heart. These decisions I am making are pure. Do you think I want to be silent for a month? No, of course not. In fact, to my body that sounds absolutely absurd considering the aching and itching I am going through. But in my mind, it is the right thing to do.
I am sacrificing. Sacrificing everything I want and need for others. I hope that is appreciated, and also seen for how unbelievably hard that is. That is for a person who I have talked to every day for more than six months…who has seen me at my worst and heard literally everything about me. In a world where people say “time is short” I am feeling like time is awfully long right now.
But I remember that time speeds up, and life goes on. The most important thing is, dont let anyone tell you you aren’t beautiful. I have said it before, when everyones gone, its going to be just you. At that point, you will really know who you are. We don’t have to wait for that though. We can see how beautiful we are now.
The fact that I know in my mind that this is going to take six months to a year minimum absolutely sucks. It might take more… Time is not on my side. But, writing will always be here for me, and a year from now, I will have written 375 posts.
This originally was intended to be 30 days to a better man…but we all know that project is never ending. I feel like a florescent lightbulb right now. I have flicked the switch back on…but its going to take time for that light to warm up. I can tell you though, when that light finally does come to full force…I am going to become the brightest lightbulb you have seen. Its not arrogance, its a promise.
Love others, love like crazy…but most of all, love being you.
Evan Sanders
The Better Man Project