I whispered that to myself this morning. I knew it was time to come back to my writing and put down everything that’s been happening into words.
To be honest, this time period has been quite complicated.
As I’ve taken more and more responsibility for my life and headed down the paths that I have been shown, there’s been this awakening that has come with an onslaught of past memories and experiences.
People. Places. Events. Moments.
They have all come to the surface and revealed themselves at once. Part of me thinks that I was almost walking around asleep or blind to it all.
This, at times, has been incredibly difficult to process. While there’s a sense of clarity and understanding, there’s also a few major lessons I need to learn – forgiveness, acceptance, presence.
Our younger selves don’t know what they don’t know. Despite how we may see it now, most of us are doing their best with what they have. I know I did. Did I make some big mistakes? Yes. Of course. Would I do things differently if I could? Yes.
But the thing is, I can’t go back. There’s only what I know now. There’s only forward.
One of the biggest tricks my mind has been playing on me is this desire to want to go back and relive moments as if I could erase them and do them over again.
But the thing is, the wiser side of me knows that if I did get to “go back” I couldn’t take all I know now. I would be right back where I was going through the pain and suffering again wanting to only move forward.
It’s time to forgive. Myself. Others. Moments.
The way it happened, for better or for worse, was the perfect way.
If I wrote that same sentence years ago, my body would have recoiled. My mind would have gone nuts. But now, I understand. All of these experiences and all of these events that took place in my life were meant to bring out the best in me.
Were they fun?
Some. However, many where not. Many were devastating.
But I’m here right? I’m still alive. I’m chasing my dreams. I broke through it all no matter how bad it was.
I’ve discovered that whenever I’m in conflict with life it’s because I’m usually not accepting something. I’m usually moving against the grain when the depths of my soul are telling me to head in the direction I’m being guided.
I lose my trust and faith in that place.
But when I feel the most alive is when I’m living in alignment with what I know I’m meant to do and who I’m meant to become.
Acceptance has been walking through the doorway.
Here. Here. Here.
I keep reminding myself of that. My mind can replay countless moments of victory and defeat but all of them keep me distracted from what is going on now.
Here, in this moment, is when I’m happiest. It’s when I’m free.
Everything that happened throughout the years has faded away. It’s gone. I don’t know what is about the mind but it loves to constantly drift back and latch onto things.
The way things were. The way things were said. The way they turned out.
But it’s all a trap.
It just causes a mess.
But when I’m here, I see the beauty in these moments. No judgement. No past. No future. Just moments that are seeds of creation.
With these seeds, I know I can create something beautiful. Why? Because that’s who I am – a creator. A lover. A dreamer.
Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project