Birthdays are always a time period of deep reflection for me.
This past one, 29, offered something quite different though.
I think for a long time I drifted in the waters wondering if I was heading on the right path. I felt that there was this transition inside of me — painful at times — that tugged and pulled at what needed to go and I finally released.
I let go of some things that I really needed to let go of.
An old life, old people and many old events.
I went through this bizarre transition period of feeling this guilt with all of the knowledge and wisdom I had gained over the years. I looked back on previous moments of my life and wished I could do them over again with what I know now.
But I know things don’t work that way. It was silly to even think of that in the first place.
In fact, I am a wildly different person than who I was just even a year ago. And, so many wonderful things came through this year long process I took for myself.
So why would I even want to go back? If I went back, I would have lost this and so many other things would probably change.
No, this is exactly where I need to be. That’s the perspective I was given.
Here’s where the grounding came in.
As the days went on throughout July, I started to understand that I had arrived at the very moment in which I was to plant the seeds of a garden in a very fertile field. It was time to cover them with the fresh dirt and tend to them.
For some time, I had been wondering what it was that I was supposed to be doing. I couldn’t figure out what was right around the bend.
Even though I had ideas, nothing really stuck. But then, as everything comes in three’s for me, things just seemed to go…
click. click. click.
Okay. Okay I see that now. Time to get to planting.
In many ways I felt like I started over fresh and there was a completely new opportunity for me to move forward in so many different ways. It didn’t come through thinking about it, it just showed up one day.
I felt, grounded. Planted. Ready to go for it and see this vision I’ve had all the way through.
I think in many ways we wish things could have happened sooner or we wanted them sprout quicker. But for me, I know that if things had happened earlier in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I couldn’t have taken things popping years ago. It would have wrecked me in so many ways.
But now, sitting where I am and having really taken the deep dive into who I am, I know that I can handle whatever comes my way. The roots have grown deep into the ground and I can withstand the storms to come if they may.
And then there was the peace.
As I returned back to the mountains, my heart softened. I understood exactly what I needed to do and gently started taking action. Those words usually wouldn’t come in the same sentence for me in years past but they have now.
I can understand that my passions work very well in specific ways and that I can move into this next period of life with a whole lot more faith and a lot of grace.
I see the endings to old paths that I will honor all the way through with my Last Call and see beginnings that will change how I do things for the rest of my life.
There’s peace here…in this time.
A deep relaxation despite all the efforts being made.
Connection with the above and the earth underneath me.
This feels good here. I’ll stay a while.
The Better Man Project