Change has always been difficult for me.
I feel so deeply that when things suddenly shift I’m left with all of these scattered feelings. As time has gone on, I’ve embraced change because I know it’s an inevitable fact of life and I can’t do anything to really alter that. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to feel these things as time goes on.
I do. I really do.
There’s a deep shift taking place in me right now.
With this shift has come a clearing. Many things have exited and there’s a lot of space for many more things to come in. But navigating that…well, that has proved to be pretty heart wrenching at times. It has made me stop and honor all of the memories I have. But it has also made me make sure I am looking after myself.
I spent a lot of time through my life sacrificing who I was to mend situations. Nothing made me feel worse about myself. Deep in my heart I knew what was right and let go of that for one reason or another. When I went against my gut, everything in me felt like it was breaking. I knew better…and I just didn’t listen.
There have been a few of these situations this year where I’ve really gone against what I knew to be right.
My birthday has always made me very reflective. I’ve often spent the day looking back on everything that has happened in my life, what has gone on recently, and started to peer into what’s coming up for me just down the line.
This one has been no different. I think more than anything this one has made me started to consider what it would be like to completely write a brand new chapter. I’ve seen a lot of the old ways of my life still showing up and know that I have to step above them. I have to up my standards for myself and who I am and continue growing and climbing.
But I also know that my heart needs to continue to soften.
I spent so much time hardening up my exterior that as a result I also fortified my heart a bit as well. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want anyone to have that power over me and so I built myself up. But I lost a lot in that process too. I lost what truly makes me who I am.
I know that I have been showing up in life much more vulnerably, but I also know without a doubt, that I still have a long way to go to heal.
At my core, I’m a lover.
Of course I make mistakes. Of course I am far from perfect (I don’t want to be). But I know that my moral compass points true and that I can be proud of myself.
This year is going to be an interesting year. 28 years old. I never thought I would be here all these years later writing away in the same way I did at 21.
Just goes to show you how crazy life can be.
Let’s see what’s around the corner.
-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project