Even If You Feel Yourself Tremble

Fear has many ways of gripping the heart.

It has gripped mine in moments where I step out into unfamiliar territory. I can feel my heart clenching up. I can feel my chest tightening and my breath getting short. It starts to take over and I know that if I continue it will completely shut me down.

And there have been times it has. Trust me.

A few days ago, I started back out again on a journey that has had many twists and turns so far. It has challenged me in the best of ways and really put me right up in the front row with my comfort zones. I knew that staying at home wouldn’t serve me. It wouldn’t help me grow. But also, if I’m being honest, everything inside of me didn’t want to let go of that place. As challenging as it was to leave, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Fear creeps into my heart and then begins to start welling behind my eyes.

It speaks of loneliness. It speaks of heartbreak and wasting time. It speaks of turning back.

But I can’t turn back.

Because if I do, I will lose this sense of path I have started to discover for myself.

I will lose my heart’s true calling in that decision.

So forward we go…no matter how hard it gets.

There are many reasons why I have felt stuck in my own journey. I’ve felt stuck at times because I didn’t think I was doing enough with the time I had here. I felt stuck because of things that had happened in the past and how they seemingly made such large impacts on how I show up today.

But I think I’ve wandered away from my bread and butter at times.

I wandered away from coming here day after day with a willingness to express myself. That’s cut me off in a way. As time went on, I started moving into different avenues but forgot to come back to those fresh white pieces of paper where I’ve built myself back from the ground up.

I lost something in moving away from that. I know better than most that all I have to do is now recommit. I have to come back time and time again no matter how far I wander from my heart.

This path has heart in it.

For some reason, I haven’t had the courage to follow it at times. I’ve wanted to move away from it. I’ve wanted to stall and procrastinate. I’ve wanted to blame my losses on others and not put forward everything I know that I can create.

This has been fear talking again.

At times I’ve had the courage.

I’ve had bouts of great energy where I put my heart on the line time and time again. And then there’s those times where everything inside of me wants to close up and hide away from all of it. The opening and the closing of the heart. It’s almost like it’s moving with the breath.

I know that I can do this.

I know that I can travel this path and be on my way. I can keep growing. I can keep changing. I can allow the wind to take me where it needs to. But I also know that I have to keep coming back to what made me in the first place. Without that foundation, I feel a bit uncentered. I feel out of sorts…not quite home.

So I’m going to try.

To come back to this place.

To honor all of those years of exploration with the opening of new chapters.

To write about them.

To express them.

To come back to me. 

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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