When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes, everything starts to become clear.

The mind fades and waves arrive.

I see a way. Not a path. But a way of being. I see happiness. I see myself unfolding.

But as I close my eyes, I start to understand something I’ve never understood before.

This adventure I seek is not upon the surface of the earth. While they are many journeys to take in that way, that’s not where I will find my fulfillment.

It’s the continued journey within.

That’s where I will connect.

When I left again, I came across this almost “soul-tearing” feeling. It is hard to explain but it was actually physically painful. I felt like I was cracking in a way. I knew that this was a new life I was heading into and that I would feel growing pains, but this actually felt somewhat wrong.

Something didn’t feel right.

Even though I settled down into being there after a couple of days and felt completely content and happy, I started to discover pieces of wisdom that were hidden in the corners of my heart.

I am happiest when I’m sharing experiences.

As soon as I realized that, I found an amazing travel partner to run around Rome with.

When I closed my eyes and saw myself at my happiest, I started to see waves. I realized I needed that back in my life and started to reflect upon my experiences in the water in Portugal.

And then there’s this calling.

A call that I haven’t been fully engaged in for quite some time. I’ve written about it. I’ve expressed my battles with it. But I’ve never fully picked up the phone and answered what has been ringing inside of me.

Part of that was fear.

Part of that was “story” in thinking that I had to do things a specific way.

But another piece of it was learning by doing things. I had to go through some experiences to truly know that those paths weren’t for me. How else are you supposed to figure out if something is for you if you never really go for it to make it happen?

I think that’s valuable in of itself.

I think learning what you don’t want is almost as valuable as learning what you do want. If I think of it, it might even be more valuable. There are many many many more things in this world that aren’t for you.

That’s for certain.

This question I’ve been asking – does this path have heart? – really has been heading me in an interesting direction.

But the most interesting thing about it is that it has been really allowing me to reflect upon what makes me feel the most fulfilled inside and also what will put me on the path towards my greatest purpose.

That “path” has never felt like a to do list full of things. Rather, it has felt like me connecting with this set of railroad tracks full of energy and electricity when I’m on it.

It’s as if there’s a sense of being guided.

But first I have to get back to those tracks. Like I said, I’ve ignored that call for some time now. There have been so many things that have happened since those first big moments where I was pointed in a specific way.

This way I’m heading now offers peace.

When I sit and think about it and feel into it, I feel calm. I feel ready.

Maybe this sense of “coming home” is home in more ways than one.

Maybe it has been waiting for me all this time.

Time to find out.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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