This week, has been many things.
My heart has been challenged by a lesson that continues to pop up and one that I feel that I will probably be learning for the rest of my life.
My challenge has never been to love deeply. It has always been in letting go.
Letting go of people.
Letting go of things.
Letting go of moments.
My mind has been haunted by this at times. When I haven’t allowed myself to let go of something, the scenes play over and over in my mind and unravel constantly in full color. And it’s because of this I suffer. I suffer because I feel so deeply and going back and playing through everything like a movie only causes me to feel these things again and again.
It was my young heart, full of fire and persistence that was the exact same thing that created the pain.
As time has gone on, I’ve softened. I’ve learned the wisdom in the Ocean just as much as in the Mountain.
But this week tested me.
I found myself panicking at times. I found my heart clenching up and moving in fear. The anxiety makes my jaw clench and I restrict. When I get to that place, I deteriorate into a version of myself that doesn’t have access to the compassion and love I am capable of.
I play to “not lose.”
Instead of “playing to win.”
I realize that at times I am terrified of change.
But more than change, it’s loss. I don’t want to lose the moments I’ve had. I don’t want things to change because of how good they feel when they happen. But what I’ve come to start accepting is that they are already gone. They’ve passed. The good and the bad.
So I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to let go because if I do, I can actually show up here and live in the magic of what’s actually unfolding.
Truth is, I get pretty scared at times.
I worry that what I’m doing isn’t the way to go. I worry that I won’t find what my heart has been looking for in the world. I get worried about a lot of things. But all of that too will pass if I let it. All of it will fade if I don’t hold onto it.
This week humbled me. It rocked me to my core in a few ways. It reminded me of some of the lessons I still have yet to learn.
Despite the worries…I know I’m on a good path.
This path has heart.