To hell with it.
To hell with dancing around this anymore. I’m going through. All the way through.
I’ve known for quite some time what needs to be done and yet I’ve stalled myself staring at the fury of it all.
It needs to be redone. It needs to be rebuilt.
Through. Yes, all the way through.
I woke up in some sort of mood this morning. Everything felt slow. Everything felt like it was dragging me into a place of wanting to quit. But somehow I managed to pull through. Somehow I dug in deep and found a way to push through the thick of it.
That lit a fire in me that has set me off throughout this entire morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I have to map out the path. I have to map out the plan. The last time I was thrown completely off course because I allowed myself to falter from what I knew I had to do every single day.
I’ve had to remind myself today of who I am, where I’ve come from and everything that has made me, me. At times I can lose sight of that. At times I can wander off deep into the woods and completely disconnect from everything that drives me forward.
In some ways this is a blessing. In other ways it can be quite difficult to make anything happen when you’ve kicked the chord out of the the wall by mistake.
Losing your way doesn’t take much. Finding your way back…well that’s an art form.
What I’ve found though when I get absolutely lost is that I have to head straight back to what made me successful in the first place. Then, and only then, can I start heading straight back onto the path again with a renewed sense of vision and vigor for everything that needs to take place.
Fear constantly is wrapping its hands around the gates to my heart.
It moves like a thick oozing goo and makes pieces of me tremble. It causes me to change my plans, abandon them even, and yet it’s that very same heart that bring me back to recommitting to what I’ve promised myself.
I’ve made promises.
And I can’t let them go because something inside of me knows that great intention behind having made them as well as what that will create for myself in the future.
I can’t let myself down.
I really can’t.
I know that plans change and that not everything can be perfect. At the same time I know that there are some things in this world that really have to go unbroken. They must remain unbroken because they are promises of the soul. To break them would mean to break yourself.
Marching through the storm. This madness that resides deep within me will stir for now. I just know that I am more than it.
-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project