There have been moments throughout my life that have been very tricky.
But the trickiest of all seem to be in regards to making a decision, a final decision, about which way to go.
I’ve struggled at times to make these decisions, not because I don’t have a gut sense of which route to take, but because for a few moments there, I really don’t want to change.
I don’t want everything to shift because I like where I am.
But there’s always that whisper in my gut telling me there’s more for me.
It can get exhausting at times. It can get exhausting knowing that if I take that path, there will be many more challenges, more energy to put out there in the world and a whole lot more unknowns to conquer. Sometimes pieces of me really want to stay put and do nothing.
Sometimes that feeling gets so strong that I shut down making any decisions about which way to go altogether.
I stop going.
And just stop.
I find these moments tricky because there are multiple pieces of me shifting around.
And in the end, I know that I have to keep moving forward. I know that if I stay pulled off the road for too long that it will be a different problem in of itself. That’s the nature of all of this – trusting those gut instincts and moving forward despite the parts of you that are unwilling.
Those parts will always be with me.
I really believe that.
But as time goes on, I know that I am developing a better relationship with myself, being a hell of a lot gentler, and looking into my heart to understand what this all is really about for me.
One of the things I hear people say a lot (which I never really think about) is “you’re so young at just 27.” I guess I never really felt that way. I never really felt young at heart…but in a way rather old.
Old in the sense that my soul has been here many many times before and I feel like my younger body and mind are back to discover what my heart already knows to be true.
This this great calling right now within me for more self-discovery and learning.
I want to dive farther and farther into this world and understand what really makes it tick. When I was traveling for the first 4 months, I discovered that people everywhere really are fundamentally the same. They may speak different languages, have different cultures, but when it really gets down to it, we are just like one another.
This actually made me feel incredibly connected in one way.
And when I experienced that same feeling of disconnect from those who had bad energy, I realized it to be even more true.
I’m asking a pretty deep question these days.
“Why am I here?”
That sense of purpose – to love and to be an expression of it – is clear to me.
That bubbled up to the surface about a year+ ago.
But I’m finding the answer to that question I posed above.
Something feels like it’s about to click for me.
And then the wave will crest and I will be off.
I have no idea what it is but I can feel it building.
I can feel the tension.
I can feel the pressure.
Maybe all of this happening right now is me moving up to the perfect part of the wave so I can take off…
And ride this thing all the way into the beach.
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