Melting into trust.
That’s been my greatest challenge for a long time. I’ve struggled with letting go of the grip I had on life because I was frightened of what could happen. Walls flew up for many reasons. I protected myself against all things that could possibly wound me (unsuccessfully) and raged against everything that created emotional waves in me.
But I was a tornado.
Out of control.
Unable to reel in the waves crashing on the shores of my heart.
A permanent avalanche.
The trust part is interesting for me. It’s been such a hard lesson for me to really learn because there is that deeply rooted need to protect myself deep down. But as I’ve fallen more and more into a state of vulnerability and what that really means for me, I realize that staying as open as possible actually gives me the richest experience in life.
That’s tricky at times because there really are things that hurt me badly.
There are events and situations that come up that rock me down to my core and instinctively I want to close up. I want to close up and hide from the world at times. I have no shame in saying that. Sometimes I just feel like I need to breathe and get away from everyone and everything.
Sometimes I just want to hear myself think.
Life gets pretty loud.
Loud enough to drown out those whispers telling me which way to go.
There’s been enough silence for me to hear which way to go. While it has been quiet, I know that this period in my life is like the calm right before the storm. I’ve been able to hear and discover enough things about myself to step into a world that can be pretty vicious in the spotlight at times. I know this to be true because I’ve seen it firsthand.
But the role I am willing to step into and will do my best to step into is to be a counterweight to a current that pulls many people down a path that doesn’t serve their soul.
With that, will come many different challenges.
With that, will come many different victories.
And this time serves as the greatest moment of reflection before that all begins.
Sometimes it blows my mind to think back to when everything started. It’s just beyond my understanding at this point. I mean I remember some of the moments and some of the things that happened around that time. But honestly, I just can’t place myself there anymore. 6 years seems like forever ago.
In fact, it seems like a lifetime ago.
I don’t truly know what’s coming my way.
But as much as I can, I’m preparing myself for it.
Not in the way of being ready for every situation by mapping it out.
But by being ready by forging myself into the type of man who can take on those challenges at will.