As I look up into the stars, I don’t wonder anymore if I am where I’m supposed to be. I know I am. I’m right here and that’s the perfect place to be.
I found myself in the best place I’ve been in for a long time.
This time last year was a very trying time for me in many different ways, but here have been major shifts around these past couple of months. It blows my mind to think that it has almost been a month since I’ve been back home. I’ve seen so many people and felt that sense of community I was looking for.
But something interesting started coming about the past few days. I’ve felt that excitement again for where I can feel myself going. I’ve been opening up to possibilities and know just how much is right around the bend.
Most importantly, I’ve faced a few fears while I have been back that have softened and/or disappeared completely. That’s what happens when you head into things. Often, those fears simply turn to dust. You end up realizing that it was just fear being afraid of itself.
For a long time, I didn’t feel like I was really going for it in my life. I was holding back in a bunch of different ways and honestly, if I’m being 100% real here, I felt like a bit of a fraud in ways. Maybe that was me just judging myself or there really could have been some truth to it.
But I decided to actually do something about that. I opened up myself more, I expanded my coaching practice, I put myself back on track with the plan I had created last year and I feel better than I have felt in a long long time.
There have been pieces of my story that still need to be processed. I am still going through some things that have brought me pain and they continue to persist. But I know I have to be patient with myself. Being impatient with parts of my story has only led me to make the exact same mistake again. Then the pain is twice as bad. I get frustrated at times that it’s still there. Maybe that’s like a parent getting frustrated with a child. I know that it takes me a lot longer to process things in my life and that’s part of the reason why I can write the way I write. A blessing and a curse at times.
Our hearts are glass animals at times.
What I’ve realized though, is that they never truly break. They may feel wounded. But it’s a myth that they shatter.
Pain can make you feel like you are broken at times, but you’re not. There’s nothing to fix. You’re you…and you suffer because you feel.
That, in of itself, is a good sign.
Because if you were cold and didn’t feel, you wouldn’t suffer. But if you didn’t suffer, that would be a direct sign that you didn’t have access to all of the amazing things that make you, you. Without worry, doubt, fear, anxiety and suffering you wouldn’t have access to courage, happiness, joy, and love.
These things come hand in hand.
So as much as I’ve seen them as a curse sometimes, I also know that their being there are a blessing.
Things are unfolding as they should.
They never truly unfold as I thought they would, but that’s the point. I’ve started to try to let that sense of control go as much as possible because I know it’s a lie. I can’t really control anything that’s coming in the future. Almost all of it is completely unknown. Almost all of it, besides what I do right now, is out of my hands.
That’s a pretty humbling thing when you really think of it.
Letting go of the things we love the most is one of the hardest decisions we will ever make.
But when we know it’s right, it’s right. Intuition never lies. It’s only the head that really gets you in trouble.
There are things that I’ve had to let go of this year that have been the hardest things to ever let go of. It’s like you are openly courting pain. But the consequences of not making those decisions can be devastating. They can be about 100 times worse than actually making the decision itself. I’ve lived in the story of not making those decisions and they have torn me to pieces in ways that I never could have predicted.
I promised to try my best to answer the callings of my intuition. So far, it has been a very good change.
I think it takes an enormous amount of faith to walk into the unknown.
There’s this big bank of fog and you believe that there will always be more path right after the step you take. Sometimes it’s there…sometimes it shows up right when you’re about to plant your foot on the ground. But when you walk into the unknown, it always shows up in one way or the other.
So as I continue to walk forward, I know that there will always be a path for me.
The footsteps are coming.
-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project