I’ve always felt like my life goes through chapters.
The past one has been pretty interesting. Maybe it wasn’t so much a closing of a chapter but rather the closing of a book. A big book. One that encompassed roughly 27 years of my life and has opened up many new doors for me.
This trip throughout Europe has been many things for me.
Having spent the past 4 months on my own, I’ve seen paths lay out before me in ways that I really never could have seen them before. Prior to leaving, I always had a sense of what was coming, but the timeline in front of me was a lot shorter than now. It seems like that has stretched. It seems like this trip has given me a new sense of courage.
There are still many pieces of my life that remain absolutely uncertain.
But the difference is, and I can directly attribute this to writing over the past 5+ years, I can settle into that uncertainty.
I don’t really need to know what’s going to happen with those things because when they come my way they will be whatever they need to be. That’s faith speaking from the depths. I just never had that before.
I spent a lot of my young life always trying to get there in the name of progress, goals and dreams.
To some degree, that has added a significant amount of value to my life. But I can see clearly where the shift in my thinking has taken place. No longer am I always trying to get there out of fear that if I stop everything will shut down. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. You have to stop to connect. And, as life would have it, I’ve seen a path where I can actually bring those moments to others when I am in them (so stay tuned).
Doors open and shut all the time.
Life ends up being this series of constant adjustments. When you think about how much we really don’t know about what’s going to happen to us in the future, we pretty much are walking blind despite how much we think we know. That’s where I’m starting to really find this interesting balance between these two statements…
I feel like this is the right way to go
I know this isn’t the right way because of wisdom
But the intuition part seems to be overriding just about everything now.
It’s telling me which way to head, what to do, who to talk to, where to push forward and where to lean back. It’s becoming less and less about having to map something out that’s logical because I understand there’s roughly 95% of the pie chart of “I don’t know what I don’t know.”
So I’m putting my best foot forward, adjusting to the moment, and keeping faith that I will be able to adjust to the moments that come in the future. Because honestly, and maybe this is me, but the more and more I think about the future the more I realize how absolutely out of control I am of it in the sense of what events come my way.
This isn’t to say that I’m not a huge believer in knowing what you want to do with your life in terms of how you’re going to make an impact on the world. That’s the balance part between the mind and the intuition. But how I get there…wow that’s really up to a hell of a lot that I could never possibly imagine. And even if I did try to imagine, it wouldn’t even come close to what’s actually going to happen.
It’s a mystery.
And the more I fall into that sense of mystery, the more I’m here. And the more I’m here and not trying to get there, well, the happier I am.
This isn’t to say that there aren’t challenges that constantly come my way. There are. There are more than ever. It’s not to say that my mind doesn’t get ripped back into the past all the time and I have to reel it back in. You can spend a lot of time there as well wondering what if and why. I have. I’ve spent a lot of time there only to realize that once again, even if I did try to formulate some sense of why…I was still probably not even close to the actual reason.
The information I have isn’t even close to all of it. There’s the massive part of the iceberg of every moment, situation and event that I’ll never see. But I know it’s there. I can settle into that. I can just connect to it rather than try to understand it.
This has brought me into contact.
Contact with nature. Contact with how I feel to a deeper degree. But most importantly, contact with faith.
Faith that I’m going in the right direction and that this overwhelming burning passion inside of me can be let loose without any sense of worry. Because I have been harnessing it, believe it or not. I’ve been holding back on a few different levels. It’s not out of lack of energy. It was out of fear.
So as I open up those things little by little and watch them come out into the universe…I smile.
I smile because I think back to everything that has happened over these years and know that this truly all has changed my life. I smile because I know that going forward I am expressing more and more of who I am down to my core. I smile because I know that everything that comes my way is for me and I will accept it gladly.