It’s amazing how easily you can be thrown off of your path sometimes. Maybe it’s not even being thrown off of the path, but you just find yourself stuck in a place for what seems like all too long and don’t know how to get out of it.
For a long time I always wondered what it really was that knocked me loose from that stuck position. A moment of insight? Was it a spark? Or was it me finally pushing myself with a verbal commitment that no matter what I’m going to make something happen?
At times it has been hard to tell. But as the years have gone on I have found myself from time to time stuck in a rut not knowing which way to go.
It’s not the worst thing in the world. But eventually I knew I had to get out of it.
The past few months traveling has been an experience that’s been incredibly eye opening for me. I love seeing new places. But most of all, I have never felt this much at peace.
That wasn’t always the case though. Throughout the first couple of months there was this really big unsettling feeling. I didn’t really understand what was so unsettling but it soon became apparent that I wasn’t doing what I knew I could be doing.
I was settling for less than I knew I was capable of.
That, was killing me inside.
There are a lot of reasons to fall out of your magic. But the one thing that keeps me going is realizing that I really don’t have that much time here. In a flash it will all go by and I can really feel something inside of me when I waste my time. I feel this sense of anxiety when I don’t put forward what I have been called to do. It’s not an insecure anxiety about not working all the time – I love to go out and play and have fun – but it’s rather an anxiety about not doing what I love doing. Not writing. Not taping videos. Not doing what I was meant here to do.
It’s an unsettling feeling that keeps me moving forward and evolving. I don’t want to get done with all of this realizing I didn’t do what I knew I should have done.
So I’ve kicked my body back into gear.
I’ve started writing again.
I’ve started creating again.
And I’ve really looked at my life and how I spend my time and readjusted to make more time for the things that matter and make less time for the things that don’t.
Big changes are happening and that’s where I feel at home.
Being here across the ocean from the place I grew up has brought some interesting things up in my mind. I’ve had to do a lot of work with letting some things go from the past that I was still holding onto. Sometimes I didn’t even know I was holding onto them still they just popped up. Woah. But it makes perfect sense to me. There were events that happened that were so significant I feel like they really put marks into me and are going to take some time to heal.
And that’s okay.
It’s okay to be confronted by something unexpectedly and realize that you have to spend some time with it. In the past I probably would have tried to run from it like all hell. But now, I think things have changed. I get more curious. I try to understand why. I also don’t treat myself like some impregnable force that’s immune to bad things happening.
That’s far from the reality.
I’ve been sitting in some uncertainty lately. The uncertainty has revolved around which moves I make next. Where to go? I see opportunities for what can happen and I just wonder at times if it’s right. That can be solved in a few different ways but I really do want to stay open to the right thing happening.
Trust in the process and the answers coming to life.
Without trust, there’s nothing.
-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project