I think for a long time I let fear make a lot of my decisions.
Not in the sense of not making decisions at all, but making half-measured decisions. Ones that would allow me to still play in the game, but not really be the person going for it all the way.
There’s been an inner dialogue going on lately that has been very honest, pretty intense, and motivating in many ways. It has been telling me that I’m not doing what I’m capable of doing, and as painfully honest as that is, it’s right.
I’m not really sure when this started to happen, but alter having recovered from a brutal Winter I kept cruising at about 70% of my potential. I would push enough to make things happen, but let off the gas enough to really make the impact and difference I was seeking to. Then when this same inner conversation would come up again, I would push it off.
But it kept coming back time and time again.
Until recently, there’s actually been enough space and time to completely sit still and listen and hear it all the way out.
It’s not a discouraging voice, but it is commanding. In many ways, it has set me back on a course I had known was the right one to take and helped push me to do what I’ve needed to do. This hasn’t come without some resistance – breeding inaction and procrastination at times – but things have changed as these past two months have gone on.
My plans have changed.
My ideas have changed of what I want to do with this journey.
I’ve been pulled in a direction of going somewhere completely new and shortening the amount of time I am in each city so I can double the places I want to go to and see more.
There’s this drive to witness more and more…to be a part of a new place…and when it feels right to leave.
There’s a fear in me that has always existed since I was young…the fear of the unknown. And yet, at the same time, it’s the thing that brings out the most courage in me as I am absolutely fascinated by what I do not know and always want to discover more.
But this fear of the unknown has stopped me from putting feet in the water in specific places in which I knew I should be diving into.
It’s held me back in some ways – albeit that I’m going off in other directions in others – and kept me from making moves that I’ve aways wanted to make.
But that changed over this past week as I’ve started to line up more and more things and just say…
“To hell with it…I’m doing this.”
Once I made that choice, I knew that I could bring my consistency and patience into the game as well and with all three of those things running together, they couldn’t be stopped.
I feel like I have run off deep into the forest on a grand journey to discover what existed deep within the woods. This is actually pretty familiar with what I experienced one time backpacking deep within the Sierra’s going fishing. I went as far as I could, crossed rivers, and continued on even farther to see what was always around the bend and to discover water that had most likely never been fished.
What I found were places that brought a spiritual sense to my life and gave me great peace.
It’s in this same journey that I’ve realized it’s time for me to continue going on despite having pulled off for a while. It’s time for me to dive into these new avenues and discover what it means to not only be a beginner again…but to also learn how to master them.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I will continue to grow and morph into what I need to become. But I must never forget that a lot of that is going to come with my own personal efforts and answering the callings that come forth.
I’m listening to it all.
For some time I’ve heard this calling and now I need to answer it fully.
Into the wild we go.