For quite some time now, I’ve been on the edge.
I think most of the time when you hear that, you may think it’s about being on the edge of falling apart. However, I mean on edge in a way that means coming together.
A few years ago, I had a few people describe what I was doing with my life in a near-perfect way. The sentiment was somewhere along the lines of the following…
You’ve been lighting these little controlled fires in all of these different spaces…and one day…they will come together and burn the whole fucking forest down.
This image made me smile. I could see the little boy holding a gasoline can marked with a heart pouring his love out all around the world and then lighting it on fire. It was never about destroying something, but rather lighting the world up in a magnificent way.
There’s been a pressure that has come along with this image.
A big question of “how?”
How am I going to go about doing that? What’s the best way to get going in that endeavor?
I have tried many many things. A lot of them stuck. Most of them didn’t. In fact, I would have to say that far far more things failed than succeeded. I have failed over and over again at things and yet the only thing that has separated the person who I am now from the person who I was is accepting that failure as part of the process but never accepting failure as the end product.
Failure is part of it for me.
And in this question of “how?” I am using my imagination as much as possible to breathe into what I can see and trust that this path – an invisible path where only one single stone lays before me – will form as I walk.
It’ takes some trust to be forming a path underneath you as you walk it. It’s easier to walk a path that has already been paved because it has been done before. But I’m not really interested in copying what everyone else is doing. I’m more interested in bringing out whatever gifts lie within me…and doing it in the way they are meant to evolve.
This “how?” has been quite interesting in the way that I have had to take some serious time to consider the avenues, try them out, and really get a feel for them if they are what’s going to be right for me or if I need to readjust. There have been many many moments of trial and error…and at times massive bouts of discouragement…but in the end there’s always been a desire to continue on no matter what has happened in the past.
If I only focused on what had happened to me throughout my life instead of what was coming my way, I would not have done 99.9% of the things I have done.
And that’s the truth.
I would have found myself, the same man I was 6 years ago laying in the mud discouraged by the heavy fist that had beaten me down and never have gotten back up. This is me being brutally honest with myself. And in that journey of always looking ahead, I realized that even that had its challenges. It kept me just out of the moment as living in the past did.
Part of the reason there has been a little bit of a struggle in having traveled so far away (and this is not a bad thing just a challenge) is that I have completely isolated myself from everything that was familiar to me. And with that, came a gift – the whispers have never been louder.
This way. Go there. Do this. This is part of the path. Adjust this. Breathe into that you’ll be fine.
These whispers of guidance and intuition have never been stronger as the blocks of what was holding me back have been removed.
I’m sure you could imagine, that as all the negativity fell away there is a void left to be filled. Well what do I fill that with?
My capacity for encouragement, energy, and connection have found a near gear.
One that I didn’t really know existed. I didn’t know there was a 6th gear for me. Maybe there are more? Maybe as I settle more and more into this new life I will find another as time goes on.
I had a healer once tell me that the wave I felt coming…well, I was going to ride it all the way to the end perfectly fine. That was probably the single most soothing line I have ever heard. Because at times, this was a significant worry for me.
Could I do this? Am I capable? Am I really going to be able to make that much of an impact? Will I be okay? Can I handle the success?
By the time I had arrived into that conversation, I had failure and the handling of failure on lockdown. Hell, that’s most of what I knew. Success had rarely come my way and so when I started to get a taste of it I had a lot more questions pop up that never had been there before.
And so here I am now, in a completely new place looking into this moment. What’s here? Where’s my breath? How can I connect?
These fires are burning, and I’m watching them connect daily.
The only thing I have to do is go all the way. Go all the way with everything that I had dreamed of and don’t let up on the gas.
Go all the way.
Pour out more.