Tumbling Down Into The Rabbit Hole

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T.S. Eliot

Patter…patter…patter…

I’ve missed the sound of my fingers on the keys. But here I am, after getting lost deep in the trees again, writing about what I’ve found.

There’s not a regret in this heart of mine. Took me years to be able to say that truthfully. I would always think back to things that had happened and wished they would have happened another way.

But as I unfold more and more, I realize that things are happening just they way they need to be happening. I can let go of trying to figure all of it out. I can let go of trying to make the perfect thing happening or wondering what I could have done different to fix it.

The truth is, there’s nothing to fix.

Nothings broken…it’s just happening.

Unfolding as it must.

I’ve been stuck in the past before. Wondering constantly what will play out or trying to figure out the next moves that are coming. I guess I’ve only been able to do that with some of the dreams that have been presenting themselves to me throughout my life.

But even then, you can’t figure out what’s going to happen. How in the world would I have been able to predict what has actually happened throughout the course of this year, dreams and all, if I even tried? I couldn’t have.

The quote I posted above…all these years later…still holds true.

I am heading upstream.

Against the grain again.

And taking a path that is destined to make some noise. But that’s what I’m here for. Maybe all of those years of being up on top of the mound dreaming I was pitching in front of tens of thousands of people was a huge metaphor for what’s about to happen.

Maybe all those innings pitched…the game waiting on my every single move was more about these next few steps in my life than anything else. Maybe I never lost baseball…maybe it’s more relevant to my life now than it ever was.

I think it’s interesting to look at what’s right in front of me right now and really start to get a grasp of what is about to happen. I’ve been building and building and building for years and finally feel comfortable with putting this out in front of everyone I possibly can…

And just have to pull the trigger on a few more things before I see it all into fruition.

The iron is hot. Incredibly hot…and it’s time for me to strike with a full intention to take this to the next level.

Years later, I see the dots connect and see that even the hardest of lessons learned have brought me to a place where even though I still feel pain as much as I ever had before, at least I can understand that my openness is a thing to be celebrated.

Because it’s the easiest thing in the world to close up after you’ve been hurt. You can shut yourself off to experiencing life and prevent yourself from truly feeling again. But your soul suffers when that happens.

You break to pieces inside because all your heart actually wants to do is express what’s truly there.

So every time you don’t…even more pain arises.

Time and time again I have looked at the past and wondered why specific things happened.

But that is happening less and less. I realize that this journey of mine has panned out exactly the way it was supposed to. I’ve bloomed the way I needed to. I’ve grown exactly the way I was supposed to.

Imperfectly perfect.

As we all are…

I can see the places where I am truly going to be able to grow even more. I know in my heart that there are some things I have to do that are going to be rocking me down to my core. But I need them. I need to see just how far I can go.

Because if I do that, I know that when I get to the end I will have done this the right way…and will have only had to do it once.

There’s life back in my blood. There’s expression making its way back out.

After closing off for some time…I’m ready to pour it out again.

-Evan Sanders

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