Je te verrai

I haven’t written something like this in almost 5 years now. This type of way. These type of feelings. It brings me back right to the beginning, a place that I don’t really like going that often.

There are pieces of this path that have been more challenging than others.

Pieces that have brought me down to my knees and have felt like they have taken everything out of me. Pieces that have caused me to question everything that is going on in my life and wondering if I’m going to be able to make it out.

Truly, this has happened a few times lately and they tore me to pieces.

I wasn’t ruined, but I felt it. I really felt it. And that’s truly the one thing about feeling so deeply…it’s both a blessing and a curse.

The truth is, I didn’t understand what had really happened until I settled a major responsibility I had to take on. It was only until that was over, after getting incredibly sick, taking on more stress than I ever have in my entire life and being completely sleep deprived, that it hit me…

And then, on the kitchen floor, something inside of me snapped. I sat there, hands over my face with my knees curled up into my chest and I couldn’t stop…

Tears poured out endlessly.

They never stopped. Truth is, they crept up on me periodically for weeks and weeks on end and there was no putting them away.

I didn’t understand why.

I didn’t understand what I did to deserve such a thing.

And I felt this pit in my stomach that wouldn’t go away for some time.

As gentle as I was with myself, I struggled. I suffered. I went through growing pains and my mind unraveled the tapestries of memories and feelings that seemed to consume me when I felt them again. There was no escaping them. Part of me didn’t want them to leave. The other side knew better.

Night after night, I wrote letter upon letter by hand just to find some peace.

Yet, as time went on, something deep inside of me was still there. Sealed. Never wanting to escape. I had experienced too much in life to think that this was going to leave quickly. I knew better. So I let it keep its place and feel itself out in its own time.

Eventually it settled. The smiles came back. The laughing came back. But still, there was a chunk inside of me that wouldn’t let up.

I didn’t try to get rid of it…I just let it be. It wanted to be there…so I gave it that space.

And yet, something has shifted in me lately.

For the first time in my life, I know it’s time for me to fly away.

I realize, as scary as this is, that I have to wander. I have to leave this place behind and go out into the world and take care of some things that have been lingering for some time. I have to heal. Because to be completely truthful, there have been some things that have happened over the course of the years that really felt like “too much.”

And I think I need to take some time for myself. I need to continue building my dreams and head down a path that knows I have to put some things to rest.

A long time ago, I had a glimpse of a vision that I was walking hand in hand through the streets of the world. A great adventure. A endless story. And yet, as I look at this same vision now, it has changed. It is me. Just me. Not alone, but with everyone…just not the way I saw it before. I realize, that maybe this part of my life, I really do have to travel it alone.

I know it’s time for me to fly. I know it’s time for me to finally let some of the last pieces go. Pieces that I have been holding onto dearly.

For some time, I sat in the sand looking for something that was shattered to pieces only to realize that it was taken away by the sea. So there I was, sitting looking out into the open ocean feeling the water run up against my toes every so often.

The endless ebb and flow of this life.

The guaranteed come and go of things.

While I had to be there for some time, I picked myself up and realized it was time. I had spent enough time looking out onto the horizon for things to come. It was time for me to continue wandering on again.

It was time to say goodbye.

Je te verrai

I’ll be seeing you.

-Evan Sanders

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  • Fiona Jones
    March 23, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    This made me cry, you have an unbelievable gift of allowing emotions come straight to the surface, no hiding.

  • Cristina
    March 29, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    So deeply. ..

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