From My Heart With Love

There are such things as once in a lifetime moments. 

Moments that forever change your path. Moments of courage. Moments of bravery. Moments where you are…pretty much scared shitless…and yet you manage to step into what is yours. 

Some over time have described this jump and taking a leap of faith. 

Others have said that you’re going to have to build your wings on the way down. 

But the experience I had this weekend, was by far one of the most impactful, life-changing, and greatest moments of my life. However, it was very very far from what anyone had ever said in a quote. 

You don’t jump. 

You step into acceptance. 

The floor turns completely black…as black as space…and you are falling into the depths, but without the sensation of falling.

You don’t build wings.

You don’t feel a drop in your stomach.

But you do travel thousands and thousand of feet deep, and when you arrive, you land softly, perfectly, and safely where you have always needed to go. And when I arrived, I met, “me.”

That little mischievous boy running around creating mischief in the world. And he looked at me and said things that I will never forget. Things that I will keep close to my heart forever. I stepped into a moment, and I forgave myself. I forgave myself for every decision I have ever made and I let go of responsibilities…things that I was holding for a long long time…that were never mine to carry. 

I saw my wounds. 

I saw the wounds that ran deep within me, and I was able to care for myself in a way that I’ve never been able to do. I held my own hand…and when it was time for that little boy in me to go back out in play, I let him go and he gave me a low hi-five. 

I saw myself, all of me, for the first time. 

And in that moment, I saw everything I was…filled with incomprehensible amounts of love, joy, happiness, warmth…

And I saw something deeper. I saw that I could hold the suffering of others, as I had held myself in that moment, and be with them. Never having to fix them. Never having to change them. But to hold them as I held myself. 

In that moment, I realized I’m here to heal. 

As I looked out across the room, I had come back from the depths with no sense of time and hardly knowing where I was. I saw my coaches…lovingly holding the room. I felt my classmates, holding the space behind me and supporting me. 

My coach goes…”If you could ask for anything right now, what would it be?”

‘Just keep loving me up.’

“Granted.”

I’ve said this in the past…this next statement…”my life changed” and that has been true every single time I’ve said it. There have been shifts that have occurred in my life that moved me deeply. 

But this…this…cracked a completely new path in the ground for me.

I came out of this weekend, the most supportive and loving weekend of my life with a sense of taking up far more space in the world than I was used to…and with this deep well within me full of love and compassion. My heart remained on fire…and as I have come back home over the past couple of days, nothing has changed. 

There are some things I want to keep close to my chest with the rest of the story. Maybe, some other time I will tell it. 

But now, right now, is about something else. 

That was the lead up.

And here’s what I wanted to get into tonight. 

There are, about a billion reasons when you’re living in this world, to close your heart up, get cold, and shut yourself off to experiencing life. I don’t need to go through them…if you’re alive (which you are) you have a good idea of what I’m talking about. 

But something beyond this world, and I mean that in full honesty, happens when you trust your heart fully. I mean 100% and you do exactly what it has been calling you to do your entire life. 

What I went through, I have always needed that. Part of me for a long time didn’t know that in my mind, but my heart always knew. And because I listened, I was taken to a place that left me marked with something that will fuel the rest of my life.

My sight has changed. My perception of the space I’m walking in is completely different. And out of everything else…

My intuition is completely turned on in a way that I’ve never experienced before. 

As I sit back on my kitchen floor, I think about moments that are coming my way…ones that are rooted in intuition…and understand my path entirely going into the future. 

This heart of mine, has always called for my bringing forth of deep love. At times I held that love hostage out of being scared or nervous, but it was all in good intention. That part of me didn’t know any better….and I had to live that part of the story to get here. 

There are loving decisions and choices coming my way. And with each of those, if I stay true to myself, life will continue to bloom.

My life has turned into a field of wildflowers. 

I have been cracked wide open…with nothing to be defensive about. 

There is only love here. Fearless love. Real love. A type of love that could change everything. 

So I’m going to do that.

And travel this untrodden path. 

-Evan Sanders

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  • Anonymous
    March 8, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    5

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