These things, all of these things, feel like they were not here just a lifetime ago. No patience. No stillness. No calmness in my heart.
A tornado used to rage within.
One that makes itself known from time to time just to keep me honest. But most of my days are filled with a much gentler way of showing up in the world. A way where I don’t have to strip this life of its resources and I can just show up as exactly who I am.
That’s a much healthier way of living.
That’s much better for this heart of mine.
At times, I wonder exactly what the meaning of everything I’ve been moving through means. There’s a tone to it all. There’s this feeling that it hard to describe that I can’t really put a name to.
I spend a lot of time relaxing and thinking about things.
Not “thinking” in the way that many would consider debilitating. The…”I can’t stop thinking” complaint. This is a very different type of thinking.
Slowly walking through what’s going on in my life and taking a chance to smile at things along the way.
I feel as if what I was being prepared for…has arrived at my doorstep.
It shows up in the music I listen to…the books I read…and somehow throughout my daily life. It continues showing its face and while it makes me pretty nervous at times I always come back to being excited about what’s here.
There’s something incredibly freeing about this next chapter of my life…something I feel like I have spent most of my life growing into.
This is a beautiful thing.
And at the same time, it marks the end to a chapter of my life that has seen so much.
Experienced so much.
Gone through so much.
There’s a bittersweet feeling to all of this right now because I know that as good as things are right now, they are all about to change permanently.
And isn’t this the one reality of life? Things will change?
They will change no matter what you try to do to stop them…so might as well dive into that reality that everything is fluid and constantly shifting.
Nothing is free from change.
I believe within the depths of my heart that there are pieces of me that are about to come out that not a single soul on this planet has seen.
Shades of my life that have been hidden forever.
A life that has been stuffed under the surface within all of the black…and hidden within those recesses is joy as well.
I’ve lived in such a way that there are depths that haven’t been seen by many because I was afraid to bring those forth.
Many have misunderstood me in the way that I am now…bringing more depth to the conversation has seemed a bit concerning at times.
But what the hell is the point of being alive if were hiding our true selves from world and spending a lifetime behind a mask?
I can’t really see that as living at all.
Over these past 5 years, I have attempted to continue removing the mask piece by piece.
I have been successful at times.
I have desperately failed as well.
This is the truth.
A truth that I will willingly accept no matter what.
And as a piece of that truth…
I will continue my efforts daily.
To become more and more of who I am.
And to become less and less of who the world taught me I had to be.
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