Could I change for life?
Could I do this every single day? Could I come to the table as if the last day didn’t exist and all I had was this moment I was in?
Could I handle life’s changes and flow with them like the ocean sneaking up on the sand?
The questions continue to flood my heart. There’s something about tonight. There’s something about sitting under these lights understanding that the landscape in front of me is shifting drastically and I’m not going to be able to turn back. I’ve already decided to go forward and as scary as some of the pieces of this puzzle are it’s going to set me free.
Sometimes, it feels like I am looking at some of the things I am seeing as if it was for the last time.
An interesting feeling…but more of an experience. More of an understanding that I have decided to swim upstream the final bit and leave everything else behind that was once comfortable to me. I’ve come to the understanding that I have to enjoy the moments I am in right now because things won’t be the same. They can’t be the same…
But that’s the point.
There was something deep inside of me calling for a drastic change. It was begging me to switch everything up and to push myself into a position I am not going to be mentally comfortable with until I actually go out there and do it. That’s the way I’ve been since I was a little boy.
I never wanted to go play baseball…my mom had to drag me to tryouts. But once I was there I couldn’t get enough of it.
I’m stubborn deep down to my core. I don’t initially deal with changes well but as soon as I sink my teeth into what’s coming my way…
I end up with a plan to change for life…
It’s been a long time since I’ve had the desire to sit down on this floor underneath these lights and write. On one hand I’ve been doing so many other things that I’ve struggled to find the motivation to do it. But on the other it just didn’t feel all that right. I felt like it would have been forced. I felt like I would have come to put the pen to the paper and written something because I thought I should.
That’s not how I really do things anymore.
I am more of a feeler.
I am guided by a internal compass that has not sent me in a wrong direction this entire year – once I actually started to trust myself again.
That’s a hard thing isn’t it? Trusting yourself?
You can end up making so many decisions that hurt you throughout your entire life that you start to doubt what you are doing. You start to doubt the paths you take and the people you involve yourself with and eventually you shut everything up because you don’t want to be part of the full experience.
I had to unlearn all of that.
And it wasn’t easy. In fact most of the lesson I learn are not easy at all.
They challenge me constantly and shape me into something that can move forward with my life. But good lord are there growing pains. Sometimes it seems like for weeks or months straight there are growing pains that never end.
I’ve asked the sky handfuls of time to just give me a break – it never works (that’s another point) – but I’m thankful that I stick in the pocket with all of it because it always teaches me something I need to learn.
There are always going to be handfuls of challenges that we are faced with every single day and that’s just the nature of being in the game. I remember at the beginning of this year I was so scared of going back out onto the field again because I didn’t trust myself and wasn’t ready to get banged up again.
It was with the support of those who loved me and continued to encourage me that my entire life turned itself in a completely different direction and now I’m about to use my wings for once.
There have been times of pressure, stress, and full blown breakdowns throughout this year…but every single time that has happened I have recovered and remembered exactly what my foundation was made out of.
I’m a man of passion.
I’m a man of unconditional love.
And I will never ever quit.
As much as I struggle at times, with those characteristics at my core, I know I will be just fine.
I can change for life.
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