I Need To Change My Life

i need to change my life

I need to change my life.

The pressure.

The pressure grew under my skin and got to me today. It crawled through my blood and agitated everything inside of me. It grew and grew and grew until I sat there on my kitchen floor with my hands in my face wondering what the hell to do.

That lion…

Hunting in the night…

I couldn’t understand the pressure. I didn’t now why it was coming up to the surface. Why in the world do I feel like I’m being split apart.

Maybe I’m being broken open…

More and more as the days go on.

The pressure from within is breaking me open in many ways right now. It’s infuriating, exhausting, painful…and yet there’s that whispering voice telling me exactly what to do.

I didn’t understand all of this until right now.

The tests. The challenges. The obstacles. The constant breaking and building…breaking and building…this never ending process that seems like it will go on forever.

Then I thought about that lion in the night…

Hunting for its prey…

But the man who truly has some of the lion in his heart doesn’t seek the easy. No, he falls in love with the process of finding something that is worth his efforts. A challenge. Because when he catches that it will be that much precious to him because he knows exactly what it means to him.

The pressures I am facing are that I have these massive dreams and visions that have not come to me by accident. I have seen and experienced these things before they have happened and the weight of their responsibilities are grand in scale.

i need to change my life

Sometimes, in all honesty, they weigh on me. They excite me of course, but at the same time, they truly do weigh on me.

It was a month and a half ago that I accomplished a vision that I had for myself since I was 11 years old…and 15 years went by and what I think absolutely rocked me over these weeks since then was the fact of how unexpected life was when that dream came into reality…

But everything else changed.

It shook me. It hurt me. It helped me bloom. It honestly changed me in ways that I am still finding out.

I haven’t been able to come here and write that often because I honestly don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what to say. I have changed in ways where I feel incredibly different every single day I wake up and don’t know how to describe it.

My heart has changed in ways I don’t understand either and I’ve had to work through some murky colors that have bubbled up because of what life does best that have been hard to deal with. They weren’t pretty. There were moments of complete distrust in everyone and everything in order to protect myself from the world.

And yet I know that’s not why I’m here.

I know that I am supposed to stand here naked and vulnerable in front of everyone and everything and let the world flow through me. I am supposed to experience everything that there is to offer and let it shape me and mold me in the way that the heavens see for me.

That’s the path that I know I’m supposed to take…and I know that I’m supposed to help others take that path as well.

But that pressure gets to me sometimes because living in that space takes so much damn faith and there’s a complete lack of “sight.” I see the beauty in this world but I also see its darkness and cruelty. I am not naive.

I see this place for what it is and will continue to see more and more as I go on. But that faith part…that faith part is driving me to bring in a new type of way for people to experience and I’m having some trouble jumping into things I know I can do.

It’s this constant battle of falling and mustering up the courage to get back up again.

Sometimes you just want to stay laying down…

And that’s just the damn truth.

I have tried so many times to get back up again and again that it becomes hard on your mind, heart, and body after a while.

But there’s always something calling me to do it. There’s always something calling me to give it another shot. So here I am tonight, once again sitting on my kitchen floor asking myself to get back up in the morning and give it another go.

To start over again…

Not as a punishment…but as a gift.

Evan Sanders

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  • Judy
    December 13, 2015 at 10:45 am

    “But the man who truly has some of the lion in his heart doesn’t seek the easy. No, he falls in love with the process of finding something that is worth his efforts. A challenge. Because when he catches that it will be that much precious to him because he knows exactly what it means to him.”

    I’m working to learn to do this. Thanks for the help. And love this:

    “But there’s always something calling me to do it. There’s always something calling me to give it another shot. So here I am tonight, once again sitting on my kitchen floor asking myself to get back up in the morning and give it another go.

    “To start over again…

    “Not as a punishment…but as a gift.”

    It so often feels like a punishment, but it truly is a gift. I need to remember that.

  • authormandycarroll
    December 13, 2015 at 11:23 am

    sometimes we do nose plants…sometimes the back of the head….sometimes the wind is knocked right out of us…and as I sat on my bum…catching my breath..leaning over to pick myself up…I saw the jewel that rolled under the couch..stayed hidden…until I was ready to see…(when the student is ready..the teacher appears)…why the hell was I fighting for something I did not want…that I had been told I want…why was I not fighting for my decision…the one I wrap in doubt and muddied because I want everyone to approve it…
    And when I unwrapped it and smiled..bigger than I have in awhile…I stood back up…and moved that damn couch..and placed it so the whole world could see..what I was fighting so damn hard for…
    And it aint no damn drug..alcohol or bigger bosoms..
    It is this beat..steady..anxious..patient and true…contained within my heart..
    That is what I am fighting for..getting back up..over and over again…
    The Heart…the essence of all beings…

"raw. electric. a daily shock to the soul."

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