I haven’t really had much time to sit down and dive into everything I’m learning right now. There have been many things that have grabbed at my mind lately and to be honest, September was one hell of an interesting month.
As the nights get colder and the season starts to change, I’m feeling my own changes come upon me. It’s the stillness of the air and the quiet of the night.
While my brain sometimes rambles on throughout the day it’s pretty quiet most of the time. Not much talking. Not much internal critic going on. Just quiet.
A long long time ago I started a journey that has been coming up into the forefront of my mind day and day again. I don’t know why I’ve been so reflective lately on the beginning of this project – maybe it has to do with the fact that one of it’s greatest dreams is coming to fruition in 20 days.
When I came out of my first photoshoot in February, I knew I was close to what I had always dreamed of but not quiet there yet. I knew I had what it took to accomplish this vision that I had since I was 11 years old so I went back to work for the next 8 months and now here I am. Honestly through all of the trial, error, pain and anguish I at times wasn’t completely sure that I was ever going to get to this point. I didn’t know everything that was going to be in the way of the person who I was back then (more like 5 years ago) and the person I am now.
And I think that’s the point.
But the real reason I came here tonight to type away is to talk about what I’m learning right now. Not what’s about to happen in 3 weeks. I’m here to write about what’s going on right here right now.
There’s a massive amount of happiness in my life right now. There are incredible people in my life, I am on a journey to continue growing my own business, I’m coming up against obstacles and facing them time and time again, I’m in the moment (more or less), I’m feeling some things pretty seriously that are opening up to my eyes to what’s actually here vs. the way “it should be” and I’m chasing dreams. This is all here and there are a few more things that are really prevalent right now.
Quiet. Patience. Observant.
I’m quiet. I’m really quiet. While I’m around other people I’m not but I find myself going throughout my days not saying much. It’s not that I don’t have things to say it’s just there’s more of a stillness in this heart of mine – something that has never really existed to this extent before. While things are crazy busy and opportunities are popping up everywhere, I’m settled right in the thick of it. My life is going about 1,000 mph and yet I feel calm and collected. This, is one hell of a feeling and one very very noticeable change.
Patience. Where do I even begin?
Patience was never my strong suite in my earlier years. I was incredibly impatient because I wanted whatever was going to happen to happen right this instant.
I found out the hard way that things don’t usually happen the way we want them to and rather they usually happen in completely different ways than we ever thought they would. That couldn’t be more true for me. Nothing ever seems to turn out the way I thought it would, which is pretty much the single reason why I stopped worrying about how things would turn out. Instead, I started to focus on what really resonated with me deep inside and did that…somehow knowing that I would be taken care of if I really took the time to settle into that mentality.
Observant. There are things that I’m picking up on right now – words, moods, situations, changes in the room – that I’ve never been able to see or feel before. I’m not realizing them after the fact…I’m realizing them right in the moment. When those vibes show up they hit me hard. But what has made the biggest difference in the world is understanding how I’m showing up. I’m understanding who I’m being. I’m seeing how I make an impact on others just by being there. There use to be this big gap between me and others and that has somehow seemed to snap shut.
My thirst for adventure hasn’t seized. In many little ways I like going on adventures throughout the week but the grand adventures are coming. Today, while I did work, has been a little bit more of a mental health day in order to recharge my batteries and continue moving forward.
However, if I’m being real with myself, I’m pretty tired. I’m worn down physically from these past eight weeks of working my butt off and I feel a bit run down today emotionally. Like I said, it has been a crazy past month but I’m excited about this new one that’s right here.
I’m connecting with these days more and because of that I’m starting to see my path a little more clearly. Not in the way of “I know this and that is going to happen” but in the way of seeing by faith. There was always a significant amount of doubt when I started all of this about what in the world I was doing with myself. But now, now I know exactly what I’m doing.
I have no idea where it’s going to take me…but I know the man I’m going to be when I am there.