I’ve tried to sit down and write this post about 6 times and every single time I’ve deleted everything and started over. I’m having a hard time finding the words right now and I’m not exactly sure where I’m going to go with all of this tonight. Maybe I’ll just start here…
“Reveal everything there is to know about yourself and let the chips fall where they may.” – Meet Joe Black
I didn’t sleep much last night.
I found myself sitting out in the middle of my driveway in my sweats at 2am looking up at the moon and stars trying to understand what was going on with me. Honestly, I still can’t even tell you. Nothing much has changed there. I felt this pit in my stomach that I couldn’t get a grip on and a constant rush of goosebumps heading up my spine. I just sat there, still, for an hour.
My dad told me a story a while back where he was talking to me about starting businesses and what it really took mentally to get through all of it. He told me that usually there was a 5-10% chance of it working and everyone on the outside saw it as a 90% chance of failure. He goes…but when you’re in it, you believe 100% that it’s going to work, because if you live in fear of it not working, you’re most certainly going to fail. Everyone wouldn’t be surprised if you failed…but if you battle through it and win, it would be one hell of a memorable story.
Where does this all land me tonight?
Love things as they are, not as you would like them to be. My challenges are fluorescent and shining straight in my face right now. I’m feeling them deeply. I’m really feeling them.
But here’s what I know.
This life of mine…I’m all in. No matter the circumstance, the situation, the challenge, the up, the down, the good, the bad, the ugly…I want to be there. I want all of it. I want everything that it has to offer me and if it brings me up in the air and then knocks me flat down on my ass then so be it. I’m going to love every last piece of it even though some pieces are a whole lot harder to handle than others. But that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Not all cake and flowers. Sometimes I wish…but then I think back to all that I’ve ever learned and understand the importance of these moments.
Here’s what else I know.
I’m going to give this what I have while daring greatly. I know what it’s like to play it safe, and you can still be pretty good doing that. But to risk? That’s where the good stuff is. That’s where the magic is. Because honestly, there are a million reasons why something won’t work, but maybe, just maybe, you can find the one reason why it will. Most of the time, that one reason, is more than enough. It’s what can keep that magic alive no matter what comes your way.
A long time ago I lost faith in myself to create that magic.
But now, no matter what, I know that I have it back. It’s like lightning in a bottle and it sure as hell scares me to death when I open that cap but I’m always in awe of what happens when I actually really go for it. There’s plenty of fear in this heart…but I live with that and do it anyways. There’s plenty of doubt and worry and pain…but I’m the captain of this ship.
All of these pieces of me, these pieces that have defined my entire life up until this point are part of me. Some moments have been harder than others to be a part of, but I’m proud of the fact that I’m here now.
What I’m even more proud of though, is that despite anything that has ever gone down in my life…the gigantic chaotic mess that presented itself time and time again…I only love harder. I stopped running from stress and fear and ran straight into them. It was only from this place where I figured out that this 5-year-old hard-headed stubborn as hell young boy got it all right. He was fearless. He explored the unknown world of his backyard with his hero sidekick dog and conquered whatever villains an monsters came his way. He never retreated. He only stood his ground.
So here I am.
I had no words at the start of this tonight. I had nothing. The entire day I’ve lost that little quickness in my step. But tonight, even as things change, they stay the same. I’m here. These feelings inside..the ones that have brought me to this place and the ones that I have for those who matter in my life, they haven’t changed. Despite any other circumstance that may try to influence that…they will always stay the same. Because what I have inside…that lightning…I know that it’s magic.
And when I know, I know.
– Evan Sanders