Sometimes I Wonder

fear

I’m in the most simple, and yet in a way, the most complicated time of my life. That may sound a bit odd, but maybe I can explain this.

This is the most simple time of my life because I know exactly what I want to do, how I want to do it, who I want to be, and have answered the calling of “what does the world need from me?” My purpose is there, my drive is there, my decisions daily are manifesting themselves in endless amounts of action and I have been on a roll like no other time in my life. Everything is incredibly simple…no one else can really see the path, but I see it clearly. There are these visions that have arisen and I am keeping those to myself, because if I told anyone, well…they would probably think I was a bit crazy. These are for me…I’m keeping them close to heart.

The crazy thing is, I know they can happen. When they do…I’m just going to smile.

Interestingly enough, this is the most complicated part of my life as well. Maybe I shouldn’t say complicated…possibly there’s a different word to all of this. It’s more of a sense in the body. It’s not nervousness…or anxiety…it’s more of a heightened awareness, a sense of things.

I have spent years waiting for this sense without my knowing it. This has brought me to a very interesting place in my life. As I have talked about before, it has brought me to a place of dead honesty, focus, and perseverance to get things done. I’m moving and I’m moving fast…and because of that the results are coming even faster. But with all of this, what is making life a little bit complicated – or at least it feels like it – is this dead silence that has arisen as I have silenced my phone for almost the entire day and focus on what needs to be done instead of distracting myself with the unnecessary. In fact, I’ve spent more time planning out content to be posted on Sundays and putting thought and energy into that time than I ever have, freeing up more time during the ROW (rest of week) to stay in production mode.

This silence is something I talked about in depth over the past week of school and how it is currently playing out in my life. It’s uncomfortable to be honest…and knowing that I am uncomfortable with it is actually the greatest sign that it’s a place for me to grow and develop.

This silence has given me access…all day, to a depth necessary to produce something that is going to help countless amounts of people. This depth has also helped me understand things about myself that I never really saw before. So in a way, it’s complex because it’s making things uncomfortable and my inner critic is going off trying to get me to do all of the things I used to do. But in another way, it’s making things incredible simple. The things that used to bug me before don’t anymore. The constant need for reaching out and contact has diminished and there I am, breathing these ideas and passions like air and putting them into play.

I can see what is to come. While I don’t know what the uncontrollable aspects of this journey are, I can see around the corner and where this all is headed. In the course of weeks I will be witnessing the results of a couple months of grueling hours and work and then it’s off to the races. What happens after that? I have an idea…but what really happens is absolutely a mystery and I’m going to let it unfold as I go.

Something else has been torn out of my life with all of this silence and the creation of this dream…the need for reassurance. All of the surface level distractions, the media, social media as a huge player in all of that, etc. only fueled that need. But as things have silenced…softened…and my mind has become a whole lot less distracted, that shallow need for peoples approval has started to loosen its grip on me. Attention seeking behavior has gone out the door. With that…there goes the need for other peoples approval of what I am doing and what I am up to in this world. But there’s another aspect, something a little bit deeper that I came across in sitting outside just thinking last night that struck me even more.

I felt, for the first time in a long time, this cage start to crack around me.

Why?

39e0a7ba1dd7914c967e282f8f337217

This deep fear of not being good enough is starting to fade. May sound preposterous to you, but I’m speaking really from the depth of me right now.

For a long long time, I did things out of being afraid that I wasn’t good enough – no matter how much or how well I did. I’m realizing, that yes I want the best from myself and I ask a lot from myself as well…but I really don’t have to worry much about the judgements or criticisms of others. For a long time I’ve been misunderstood in one way or another by people and that made me either want to prove something or change their minds. In fact, as I explained to a few people…I was afraid of what would happen when all of this stuff I’m working on popped…the audience arrives…and what would happen when the wolves came out to try to tear me apart?

Why was I even scared of this? I know better in my head that this is just going to be part of the process. Quickly, I was reminded that if I build myself on the praise of others or let myself be destroyed by their criticisms…I’m not living in line with what my passion is, but rather functioning like a leaf in the wind trying to please everyone and everything.

No, I must live in the land of “this is my calling and I’m going to do this no matter what.”

That’s really what it comes down to.

So I’m going to go out there and do just that. I may be absolutely exhausted right now – with all the diet changes, hard work, and early mornings…but there’s a dream on the horizon that’s about to come to be and I know that I can do this. I was born for this. It’s in my blood. It’s why I am here.

Let’s go.

– Evan Sanders

You Might Also Like

  • Rajiv
    June 25, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Brilliant post.. And, I have to come back and read it again