Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable. | Stephen Russell
In the times to come, I will bleed. And I know, that when I do, they will come. They will come for me with those piercing eyes and sharpened teeth, ready to sink their jaws into the thick of me to finish me off. It’s a strange feeling to be walking through the forrest feeling the presence of these wolves who do not yet sense me there. But in time, they will. They will have their time as they leave their past prey behind in search for tastier slabs of meat to shred to pieces. When they arrive, I’ll be waiting.
Once more into the fray,
Into the last good fight I’ll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day
| Jon Treloar
Despite any uneasiness felt today about what I know is to come, I felt a great relief in that I already face the greatest critic face on I will ever know – myself. If you even heard my inner critic speak you would be disgusted by how vicious it can be sometimes. It’s brutal and when it goes off, I feel like I just got out of an emotional boxing match with Mike Tyson.
It’s gotten the best of me many times throughout my life and I’ve learned how to quiet it down when it begins. But when I don’t, all sorts of bad things happen. I start tearing myself apart piece by piece and when it’s finished with me, I have to pick up all of the shards on the ground and put it all back together. I’m sure that there are many people out there reading this right now that can relate to me on this exact point.
Or at least, in many moments, trying to breathe. What I’ve found over these past couple of months was that there was an underlying stress under many surface level situations that was really getting to me. This stress, while anxiety inducing, is doing something to me that I’ve started to appreciate. It’s doing something that I’ve written about before and ironically enough, read about in a blog I was sent from someone who I’ve counseled on starting her own journey into writing – developing diamonds.
I’ve not asked for an easy life. This is contrary to what I’ve begged for in the past. In fact, every day as I jump out of bed I ask for the complete opposite. In one way or another, I’ve asked for whatever can be thrown at me to be thrown at me…and if it must be, give me a pounding that will drive me as close to as submission as possible. To some, this may sound a bit insane. Maybe it is a bit mad. But this has been a huge shift in my thinking over the past year as I have seen myself change drastically in front of my own eyes as a result of the decisions I have made. I’ve asked for this for one reason.
When you are being tested, you very quickly find out where your weaknesses are and where your blind spots exist. When times are good, you are just functioning on a high. You just go, go, go. But when those challenges arise, from the depths arrive your cracked links and you become acutely aware of the things you need to work on.
I’ve asked for this for another reason. If I want to lead people out of the dark and into light, I must first deeply experience all that this world has to offer in the shadows. I lightly say this right now in my writing, but this is actually a very serious matter for me…one that I take very personally. I am aware of the fact that my world experience is not that developed yet and I am making arrangements to change that as well. But I have been privy to the depths of emotions that I’ve never really expressed here in their true depth. This isn’t a lack of vulnerability, it’s simply rooted in the fact that there are some things I keep close to my heart, and while I do express myself here in this place, it’s only a fraction of what is actually going on in my life.
I couldn’t really see the reason for all of the things that have happened over the past handful of years…the intensity of many of them and some unbelievable events that occurred…but I guess that’s changing. I’ve adapted, morphed, and changed into what sits here right now writing to you with the development of something that has never really been there in my life before – belief. Real belief. Not pseudo positive thinking belief. No, the type of stuff you can die for.
It’s slightly interesting that cut out and posted on my cork board for the past 4 years has been a quote that says “Find something worth dying for and then live for it.” I guess I’ve done that now. I’ve found something worth dying for…and if I go out doing this, it will be the most worthwhile journey I’ve ever gone on.
I’m not exactly sure I understand the consequences of what I’m about to do, what I’ve uncovered and come across, and what’s about to happen…but I will certainly find out. I will find out for better or for worse. All I do know is that the intent and the current running through all of this is for a good reason and for that…this journey is worthwhile.
I can’t accurately describe to you what’s going on with me right now. This really hasn’t been an issue in the past, but there’s something that’s happening that has developed…a new thing…that I’ve never had / or tapped into before. It isn’t an emotion, it isn’t a feeling…a thought…no, it’s something. It’s something else. Foreign. It’s quieted me down a lot…to the point of dead silence…and I’m listening for something it has to say. There’s a slight whisper so faint I can barely hear it at times…but that whisper is telling me something that has been keeping me going throughout these long days.
Passionately knowing and yet completely clueless walking into a bank of fog with only a indescribable certainty that something I’ve seen in my mind exists on the other side.
If that isn’t faith, then I don’t know what is.
– Evan Sanders