You get this strange feeling when you are about to exit a place. Deep inside, you know that everything is about to change and nothing will ever be the same. Whatever you see now will one day turn into a distant memory. You get the feeling that everything that has happened up until this point has prepared you for this moment. I will be here…but I’m not really here any longer. I’m gone. Long gone. I’ve untied the last of the ropes by early tomorrow morning…to only return…when the tides of what is due in my life will bring me back…if they ever do.
I’ve been writing about having reflective days lately. Maybe that’s an understatement. Actually, it really is. Reflection isn’t the word for it. How can you possibly describe the feeling that is surrounded by the undeniable fact that you are going to change in fundamental ways that many will not understand? You can’t. But these things have been calling to my heart for such a long time, and as I have tried them on for the past few months I have realized that these were parts of me that existed the entire time…but now is the time to let them nourish everything inside of me.
When you are leaving a place, there’s a tendency to want to look back on what has occurred. Maybe that’s recently…maybe that’s a few years back…but you always want to turn back and see what you are leaving behind. In my heart, I know what I am leaving behind. I’ve spent years upon years writing about it and exploring it consistently. But I don’t know if I’m going to look back again. This is not an escape…no, there’s a very different feeling about this altogether. This is…like…a calm parting with all of the things that have happened. I’ve come to this place because I dove into myself so much, and now fresh pages are waiting for me. Fresh moments are going to come my way. Love, passions, experiences…these have been entering into my life as moths fly towards a flame. It’s time to take myself somewhere else and embark on this grand adventure of soul.
Wherever the waters take me I know I will be safe, looked upon with care, and protected.
Something that has developed in my life lately is this deep sense of faith. I’m not going to really go into this that much because the stories behind it, and there are many, are deeply personal and I like to keep some things close to my heart. But what I can tell you is that this trusting in something besides myself, it’s become nothing short of a life saver and a massive tension reliever to any stress that was wrenching within my heart.
A week ago I launched something that is putting it’s roots into the ground and is about to sprout. Daily, I am watering it and I might have a case of a plant growing 90ft in 60 days. Dreams can be like that sometimes. You know, like that special kind of Chinese bamboo…the hardest seeds to crack in the world taking 5 years to root and then they explode up into the sky. Everything that is happening right now has that exact feeling to it…and it may be coincidence that I am in the exact same place as that seed…5 years into this journey.
Deep feels right now.
Deep deep feels.
In this moment, there’s a piece of me that’s sad as well. I guess that comes with leaving each place we visit and we fall in love with. I know that I have fallen in love with this place and that I will forever remember what is has brought my heart. The people, the friends, lovers, the moments of great joy and agony. Forever I will smile upon these things because they have helped me develop into the person who can sit in front of you right now writing these things in his heart. Without all of that…I wouldn’t be here.
As much as there is some sadness, there is a deep wavelength that’s telling me it’s time to go. And, it is. It’s time to leave it all behind, equipped with everything I’ve learned and experienced, and to cast off for the waters, land, and adventures in front of me. No oars, just adventure guided by the winds.
And if we never come back.
Thank you for the adventure.
Now go out and have a new one.
– Evan Sanders