These Little Heartbeats

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For some reason, this morning I felt the urge to get to the ocean and write. So I did, I drove over the mountain and poured it all out. I sat there on a rock looking out at the crashing waves and in between flowing sentences, just took some time to really take it all in. Todays been a very different day. Today, I sat down with my laptop and stared at the screen trying to put a feeling to what’s inside of me right now. I guess we start with the title then eh?

There are these little heartbeats, ones that are different than most, that remind me of what’s important in my life. The other night, driving home, I had a pretty open and honest conversation with myself about what is going on in my life right now. For years, I spent a lot of time really just hurting. It wasn’t that I didn’t have amazing times, but running through the background was this current of just pain. I was hurting pretty badly and didn’t really know what to do. Even through years of writing, there was a lot of pain. But recently, there’s been a softening and releasing of all of that. Maybe it has something to do with me accomplishing a dream I had for 10+ years? I am not sure. What I am sure of though, is that accomplishing that dream and sitting where I am now catalyzed a whole lot of different things that have caused my life to unfold like all hell.

But the pain is going away. So I’m sitting there in the car driving home going…”I mean, when looking at all that is going on right now, there’s not much from the past that’s really taking a toll on me. There’s a lot of forward movement.” And that really is true. Of course we all have unresolved situations and circumstances that we would like to see through, but sometimes things just take time. Sometimes, you have to be incredibly patient and put these things in the hands of the heavens above. At least, and I can honestly say this, that’s what I’ve been doing lately.

This movement forward feels clean this time. Time and time again in the past I had this gripping and grasping type of energy that I had to move forward in the name of progress or else I was 1. wasting my time and 2. not doing a good enough job of escaping my past. Brutal. That process was very very hard on me, and frankly, it didn’t work one bit. In fact, it ended up taking me in the complete opposite direction.

Daily, I am reminded to come back to the uncertainty of it all. Whenever I think something might happen, I am proven wrong over and over. Not necessarily wrong in a bad way, but just wrong in general. This has taught me to just let go of whatever I think will occur and just sit in the whole “I’m just going to continue doing my thing, my purpose, my vision and whatever starts taking place around that, perfect.” It’s a much better place to live than trying to control every aspect of what is going on in my life. I’ve never truly been a control freak in the strict sense of the word, but I have indulged in trying to manipulate my future (notice how I didn’t say create) and that didn’t work out so well.

Sitting less than a month out of another session of school is on my mind. It’s really on my mind actually. I’m looking at what occurred after the first session and can only get excited about what is to come. But hey…let’s tone it down on some of the right-out-of-the-shoot obstacles this time ok? Jesus these past few months have been one hell of a challenge.

Today, sitting out there on the beach, I took some time to really look at myself and do an accountability check. I guess you could call it an accountability/integrity check. I do these quite often. Really, what it comes down to, is the question of “Am I being who I truly am deep down inside?” There’s not really many other questions that come up for a few specific reasons….but one trumps them all.

I know I am in trouble when I start feeling like a stranger in a situation. Sometimes this is the feeling of myself being an imposter within myself – Evan what the hell are you doing right now? That voice comes up sometimes and that’s a huge integrity checker. So big in fact that I have stopped myself in the middle of specific things and completely thrown others off. For me, I just have to tune in once in a while and really look at the big picture. I’ve lost myself before and I’m not really down to have that happen again…so this is a necessary act.

Things are pretty quiet right now on many levels and I know that things are about to get pretty loud. This silence can be uncomfortable at times, but I am trying to sit with it and enjoy it as much as possible. That wave I’ve written about a few times is coming. It’s inevitable and I’ve specifically sought it out. So these quiet days of sitting here under the incandescent lights strung across my kitchen are about to end. Will I always have places to escape to? Yes. But there’s something on the horizon that when it comes there will be many changes in my life.

I will continue to change as a man. But there’s one thing that I am not willing to compromise on. While I know that life is about adapting and adjusting, I will never stop loving those around me. That sounds like a pretty simple thing when it’s written down it words, but this has not always been the easiest of tasks. Time and time again I have been hurt in one way or another and yet I committed to always coming back to the table, no matter what, with a full heart and willing to put love out there. It’s risky but I just don’t want to live a life where I can’t build amazing relationships with all types of people because of things that have happened to me in the past.

I know this post wanders a bit from place to place today, but that’s what’s going on in my mind right now. It’s a little bit of wandering. There are some dreams in there, there are things that I am working on right now, and there’s a whole lot of love and compassion for people right now. So those little heartbeats will continue to remind me what’s important, and I will continue down this road…ready for this amazing wave to arrive.

– Evan Sanders

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  • digabledharma
    May 25, 2015 at 7:30 pm

    Very evocative writing. And yes, there ALWAYS is something out there on the horizon.

  • Michelle Brown
    May 25, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    It wouldn’t be a journey if we didn’t wander a bit. You are at the cusp of some amazing things.

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