We each have these critical moments that we reach in our lives. Sometimes, for some, it happens earlier than later. For others…it takes years upon years to reach that place. But we all reach that place. We all come to a point where we know, within the depths of our hearts, that things must change. This desire for change is like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. There’s a different type of energy to it. There’s a different feeling to it altogether.
You must do the scariest thing there is – face your greatest nightmare…yourself.
My moment came in late 2011 and it wasn’t by choice. I remember standing in that apartment, hearing words that I would never forget, and literally watching myself from above crumble. I changed everything about myself in that minute. I compromised. I did everything and anything I could. In the end, I’ll never forget that feeling of turning to ashes. It wasn’t the moment that did it, no, that was just the match. It was the entire piling up of dry leaves and hay from years and years of neglect…and that little match was everything in took to spark something that would redefine me from that moment on.
That was only the beginning, a week later, it reached its lowest point. Absolutely rock bottom. I made a request to the heavens in that pitch black dark room, it wasn’t granted, and I woke up the next day staring at a crumbled landscape…with the understanding that I could rebuild my entire world the way I wanted it.
But I would have to face myself.
More importantly, I would have to burn everything that I ever supported myself with. I would have to learn how to support myself for once, to not blame everything on everyone and everything else, to be accountable for my entire life, and to finally let everything that was locked up and caged in me out. It had to all come out.
You see, when you build walls to keep things out, you also build walls to keep the amazing things in you from ever reaching anyone. Love was walled in…hurt was walled out. Pain was kept away from me…joy remained covered under the dust. I ran from fear…so my certainty and grounding avoided my life like the plague. I had to tear everything down. I had to tear my ego down. I had to tear down my projections. I had to rip apart everything and start over completely.
I did just that. I started writing. I started being honest about what was going on with me. I built everything back, brick by brick on a different foundation. My backbone and my heart would be the dense iron place from which I would create.
What I realized along the way was this – those places you are afraid to go, that’s where your nightmare lives. It crawls around in that space. It’s this thick dark oozing type of pain that will scare you to death. It scares you because you think that if you go there you will get caught in it and drown. The reality is, that’s where your strength is. There’s unimaginable amounts of strength going there. Just as there is strength in great faith and light, there is equal amounts of strength in going to place that ravish your heart with fear…and yet when you go through those places you develop this type of belief in yourself that’s beyond confidence. It’s the type of feeling that you know that everything around you could be destroyed, and you could build it all back no matter the situation.
“Take from me everything world, and I will come back and build it back better…and no matter how you challenge me…I will continue to shine.”
Face your nightmare. Face your fears. Don’t be afraid to let everything go for the opportunity to build it back better. Want love in your life? You’re going to have to let go of everything on the opposite end that is hindering you. You’re going to have to dive deep into the abyss of your soul, lantern in hand, without the conquering sword. No armor. No weapon. No attempt to rise above it.
You must go in naked and vulnerable.
You’ll come out. You may cry, suffer, and hurt…but you’ll come out. I would never tell you to go anywhere that you couldn’t come out of. I promise you, this is the one place you must go for everything to release. To build something new, to start living the grandest adventure you could ever live…you have to go here. The shadows. The depths. The darkness.
I promise you…this place, is where life begins.
– Evan Sanders