“In the midst of hate, I found there was within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.” | Albert Camus
There’s something very different about today.
There’s a different type of energy. I woke up for the first time having slept completely through the night in God only knows how long it has been. I felt the difference this morning. Can’t really put my finger on it yet – maybe it will show up later in this post, but there’s something different.
Something changed. I can feel it.
A good friend of mine sent me the quote above before I started lifting with my trainer mid-morning. It’s amazing, those who have connections with you…well, they seem to send you things that absolutely resonate with you. This quote brought me 100ft above my entire life and reminded me of how many times my metal has been tested, and how many times I have come through. Lately, I have found out that my resilience – the ability to bounce back – could be even stronger. That strength develops from being able to deeply root yourself in something much more stable than just your thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. I’ve identified with something much deeper in myself, and besides the fact that it has actually made me much lighter and nimble around other people, it’s solidified something inside of me that’s immovable. There’s a density to me now that I have absolutely never felt before. That density, has been tested over and over again…been pounded away at…and yet remains completely indifferent to any challenge.
It’s a feeling that I have desired for the longest time…to finally be rooted and not swept away by the ocean time and time again..and it’s finally here.
I have never, ever, ever experienced this in my entire life…and now, daily, through my practices and really going after it with my writing / passion…I feel heavier, and at the same time feel lighter. I have been able to fully support other people while nourishing myself each and every day. Every time I come out of writing or meditation, or even cleaning the dishes at the end of the night…those inner conversations I am having with myself in dead quiet moments are so healing. Sure I’m dealing with some things that are tough, but there’s so much healing in that process. In fact, I would go as far to say that there is a reclamation of heart.
I just keep on getting brought back to the coaching conversation I had with one of my mentor coaches in which she helped me identify that I was watering everyone else with love, motivation, and encouragement…but needed to find the same for myself. So I explored that territory for a while…flooded my life with books and meditation…and what happened? People, by the dozens, something I have always dreamed and wished for, started pouring into my life. Not just acquaintances…friends.
Miracles are happening.
“Ester asked why people are sad. “That’s simple,” says the old man. “They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people’s ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.” | Paulo Coelho
I have on a flashcard written somewhere in that deck of 600 – the daily task for every man should be to feel through his fears, ravish his boundaries, and explore unknown territory within his soul. Wham. Took me a handful of times to see that card to really begin to understand what it means to ravish your boundaries. For me, my greatest boundary that existed that I have worked on daily was closing the gap between me and others – whether that be personally or digitally. What actually transformed this? I stopped worrying about what other people would think of me and I focused purely on being completely engulfed, interested, and engaged in what was going on in their life. That was a massive change. I mean, when that clicked for me, it was almost right away where I saw a huge difference in how I related to others. This is no ploy…just a shift in perspective.
You see when I came into school I came to a coach with a difficulty in being vulnerable with others (mostly people I didn’t know). However, as time progressed and I continued to have conversations about this topic with my coaches…as I started the process of nourishing myself and did the reclamation of heart work…as my perspective shifted about how I could be around others…and that I literally didn’t have to say one thing about myself in order to have an incredible conversation…I realized I could literally talk with people for hours and they could create their own ladder of what they wanted to talk about. What do I mean by ladder? Well instead of having deep conversations about things (because I was desperately in need of nourishment haha) I could see where they wanted to go and follow down that path with delight. In this case, curiosity…honest curiosity about other peoples lives and who they are…well, that changed mine. Not to say I wasn’t curious…guess I just didn’t know how to go about it. So, hats off to that lesson – because I have a feeling that one will be a main driver for the rest of my life.
Just sitting here writing all of this out helped me understand what it is about today that’s different. I’m just here.
Sounds pretty simple, but it’s true. All of this work I have been doing for school, for the dream I’m about to launch…it’s amazing and so fulfilling, but at times can be brutally exhausting. I still have done a ton of work today, but just looked at it with beaming eyes. I know whatever is about to come will arrive at my doorstep, and with a new deeply rooted foundation and passion for others, I will be just fine.
There’s been, which I have called it a few times, a softening with me lately. Funny how a bout of chaos can create that isn’t it? It just brings me back to that quote all the way up top. In the midst of everything, there have been other forces at play. I’ve become truly confident in what I am doing, I am out there helping others build their dreams, I am doing exactly what I love doing and have put myself in a position to make a difference…the type of difference I always wanted to make. My heart is opening, seeping anything negative out and pouring all sorts of new situations, people, and adventures in. My body is thanking me for taking such good care of it…after having abused it for such a long time. And my mind, my mind is appreciative of how much I have been feeding it every single day. I am 2.5 months into this journey…and I have absolutely no idea what is right around the corner. But I have to tell you, if it’s anything like the last 2.5 months, I am going to bring it in with enthusiasm. Would you expect anything less from a type 7 with an 8 wing haha?
It’s been said that the greatest fear of a 7 – the enthusiast – is that he/she will end up alone in this world. I saw how much that drove my story my entire life and the consequences it had for me. But in diving into that concept, I can tell you that I have spent a lot of time getting close to this idea…and know that I will never be alone. In fact, I am so far from it already. It’s like that fear dissipated from me a while ago once I really began to reclaim what was inside. This wasn’t a small task…this task drove me to my knees more times than I could tell you. Going to this place over the past few months broke my heart time and time again…and every single time it did…it healed and came back stronger and stronger…only to show me the places where the light could seep out.
– Evan Sanders